Menzies Milngavie III

It's a miracle

2010-05-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

I say!

Doviko has been practicing his silver service table waiting for the last couple of weeks. Well, I say! Last night when he was serving up our dinner, he'd no sooner spooned some mushy peas onto my plate and was about to serve the carrots before going on to the crumbed chambo and fries when there was an almighty crash of thunder and lightening outside. It gave him such a fright that the carrots went flying up in the air.

But then, and here's the extraordinary thing, when I looked down at my plate, this is what I saw:

The carrots had arranged themselves in the perfect formation of a set of stumps!

The other servants insisted on seeing the arrangment, and reckoned that it was a miracle on a par with the appearance of the Holy Mother in various churches.

I was having none of that. Last thing we want is thousands of pilgrims outside the door wanting to see miracle carrots. So I insisted the rest of the meal was served, and then proceeded to eat it.

MM III

Cricket and work

2010-05-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

I say!

As you all know, there's essentially three kinds of international cricket. Tests, one dayers, and nowadays Twenty20. Work is similar.

Test cricket lasts five days, and the players say it takes a lot out of them, and that they don't get paid enough. One dayers are self evident, and the players get paid more for doing less. Twenty20 lasts only 4 hours, is very intense, and the players sometimes get paid a small fortune. Some players only seem to play in the Twenty20 version.

Well, now, work should be the same, especially relating to the shortest form of the game.

Thanks to the Protestant work ethic, there are many people who want to work hard for at least five days a week, and many of them don't get paid much.

On the other hand, some people, for example company directors, work for a day a week and get paid a lot of money.

What we need to do is create more of a work equivalent of the Twenty20 match. Some chosen people could work for only 4 hours a week and get paid a small fortune for their efforts. Perhaps Hotboy could be one of these chosen.

Not only would this give people something to aspire to, but it would also solve the current financial problems. Those who work for five days a week obviously don't have the time to spend much money, and this helps no-one.

However, in my proposed new world, those who work 4 hours a week and get paid a fortune will have lots of time to spend all their money, and the shops, manufacturers and producers will all benefit.

I say! Wouldn't it be wonderful if work mirrored cricket?

MM III

The real challenge

2010-05-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

I say!

Some people think that cricket is all about bat, ball and wickets. Well, it is! Most of the time anyway, but sometimes it's just about ball and wickets.

Cricket can also help with maths.

MM III

What is cricket?

2010-05-04T02:06:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well, it couldn't be clearer than this.

MM III

Dalai Lama and cricket

2010-04-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

I say!

Here's an interesting snap, showing His Holiness and some cricketers from the IPL.

MM III

What a wonderful book

2010-04-05T02:20:00.000-07:00

I say!

A great shame that Sir Alec didn't make his century.

I've been reading 'Not dark yet' by Mike Harfield. Wonderful book, all about cricket. It contains this very important fact:

A distinction was always made between amateur players (Gentlemen), and professional players (Players). Up until 1962, scorecards at Lords always showed amateurs with their initials before their surname and professionals with their initials after their surnames. A very significant difference, obviously.

Once, when Freddy Titmus, who later lost four toes in a boating acccident in Barbados, was walking out to the wicket to bat, an announcement over the loudspeaker was made apologising for an error on the printed scorecard. The announcement was " 'F.J. Titmus' should read 'Titmus F.J.' "

Stickers for detail, so they were, in those days. Ah yes - those were the days.

MM III

Cricketing Journeys

2010-03-27T12:16:00.001-07:00

I say!

I expect that, like me, you will want to spend a few hours investigating this informative website entitled Cricketing Journeys to and from Australia. There's even a snap of The Don's bat.

MM III

Telly troubles

2010-03-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

I say!

I collected an interesting parcel from the Post Office a while back. Spud's brother, Dingo Dave, sent me a Warnie figurine. The instructions said to place the figurine two metres from the telly, and that it would make comments when the Commonwealth Bank One Day International cricket matches were on.

Well I say! I thought it was just an Aussie wind-up! I put the figurine on the mantlepiece and forgot all about it.

Then, the next morning just as Doviko was about to serve us our breakfasts, the figurine starts to talk! Doviko got such a fright that my boiled egg ended up on the floor. The telly wasn't even on, though it was on standby.

Very amusing. Every half hour or so, for the duration of the cricket match which was being played in Perth, the Warnie figurine pipes up about 'VB' and various cricket parlance. In his letter which accompanied the parcel, Dingo Dave explained that the figurines come free with a slab of VB, and he thought I'd be amused by it. I'll say! Neither Doviko or myself can figure out how it works, especially as Kalimbuka is several thousand miles from Perth.

Talking of tellies, does anyone know how to stop subtitles appearing? I had Jock up here the other day to help. He pressed a few buttons and then there were two sets of subtitles! We fixed that one, but the original subtitles still appear on some channels.

Jock's an interesting character. Done wonders with pineapples and goat dung over at Mulanje. Biggest and juiciest I've ever tasted. His father was in the Glorious Gloucesters, captured by the Chinese at the Imjin River. Never quite the same after that, he wasn't. Also served up in the Aberdares during Mau Mau. I say - what a mess up there just now!

MM III

Magni Esse Mereamur

2010-03-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

I say!

"Magni Esse Mereamur" ("Let us be great") - was the motto of the Central African Federation - or rather "The hated Federation" as H.E., The Life President, Ngwazi, Dr H. Kamuzu...used to call it.

I always try to ignore the politics associated with the statement, and instead, shout "Magni Esse Mereamur" as I go into bat.

MM III

I saw this, and thought of you

2010-03-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

I say!

Top 10 Drinking Quotes Of All Time

MM III

What a romantic I am

2010-02-23T01:34:00.000-08:00

I say!

For Valentine's Day I decided to splash out in order to celebrate the event. Mrs M and myself enjoyed a lovely romantic weekend down on the Mozambique coast at the Benguerra Lodge.

Here's a snap of our meal on the first evening. Quality food and service, so it was. Fully recommend it, if you happen to be in the area.

MM III

The answer to 'What's this?'

2010-02-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

I say!

Here's a zoomed out perspective of the snap in the previous post. Well done to Hotters and Rob, who both guessed fairly correctly.

It is, of course, and elephant's head. Below is Mrs M and myself being carried by the same elephant. As an old hand at riding elephants, you can see that I have a good posture for the sport - a straight back - it follows on from always playing with a straight bat, I suppose. Mrs M is riding 'side saddle' as it were.

MM III

Bamboo, and what's this?

2010-02-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

I say!

Bamboo is an amazing plant. There are over 1,000 species, some are edible, some are good for making furniture, and some you can make bamboo beer from, some you can use to steam food with, some are good for making roofs from, and some can be used for making toothpicks. Bamboo is actually a grass. Several species are native to Australia, and others to North America.

Here's a snap of some giant bamboo, taken by me at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kandy.

Now, here's a quiz question:

What is shown in the carefully cropped snap below? Answers in a Comment, please.

MM III

The Aussies have got something right, for once

2010-01-29T01:13:00.000-08:00

I say!

This post is not about cricket! Because, obviously, if it were about cricket it could not possibly have the title: "The Aussies have got something right, for once." Well, I suppose it might have a similar title if, by some fluke, the Aussies managed to steal a win over some other team by an innings or so, and I was trying to explain how they had done this (for example, by turning the volume down on the Third Umpire's tele-replay system).

But I digress, because this post is not about cricket. Though of course I realise that by not being about cricket it will no doubt disappoint many readers. That's a risk I shall have to take. No, it so happens that a town in Australia named Bundanoon has banned the sale of commercially bottled water. What an excellent idea. Not only that, but they are also installing free water fountains! Bottled water takes a great deal of effort to produce, and is therefore not very 'green'.

Who needs commercially bottled water? Very few people in Kalimbuka have ever bought a bottle of water. In places where bottled water is on sale, you get empties discarded willy-nilly, and that won't do.

Here's where Bundanoon is:

View Larger Map

Of course, as this website about the history of Bundanoon, shows, cricket has been played in the town since 1870. And it has a cricket club as well, though at the time of writing, there is little information available at the club's website.

MM III

10 Pitches that Shook the World

2010-01-22T02:01:00.000-08:00

I say!

I've decided to list the ten pitches that have most shaken the world. I rather expect that you all have your own lists of such pitches, so I expect rather a lot of controversy over the following.

1. Headingly pitch, August 19, 1975, dug up by vandals in support of George Davies.

2. Sabina Park, Kingston pitch, 29th January, 1998. Game abandoned when pitch is deemed too dangerous after 56 minutes.

3. Feroz Shah Kotla pitch, 28 December 2009. Game between India and Sri Lanka was abandoned because the pitch was deemed unfit for play.

4. Sir Vivian Richards Stadium pitch, Antigua, 2009, game abandoned after 10 balls, due to unfit run-ups.

5. The Oval, Aug 20-23, 2009. England win the Ashes.

Well - that's only five so far. Part two will follow in the future.

MM III

Hair, a hero and cricket

2010-01-15T01:53:00.000-08:00

I say!

I'm thinking of growing my hair like Phil. What do you think? I believe that that shot was taken whilst he was in court on a murder charge. It's good to know that murder charges are taken seriously in the USA.

I was reading a review in the Sunday Times of the book "Jungle soldier: The true story of Freddy Spencer Chapman" by Brian Moynahan, which I posted about a while back. Chapman was a war hero. He survived behind enemy lines in Malaya during the second world war, and inflicted various losses on the Japanese. He was a very tough nut. In fact, the review points out, and the book also, that he toughened himself up whilst at prep school by getting other pupils to hit him over the head with a cricket bat "to see how hard he could take it".

Given the same circumstances, I wonder how hard we could, as individuals, take it.

But anyway, what a wonderful advert for being hit over the head with a cricket bat, apart from the fact that he topped himself 40 years later, of course. I must show Abdul the review, because he complained bitterly last month when he was standing up as keeper and Wilson missed a short ball, spun round, and clouted him on the forehead with the bat. Quite a bump, so there was. Retired hurt, did not bat. I gave him some dried tilapia as compensation. That cheared him up no end.

MM III

This boy is a cyclist

2010-01-10T03:18:00.000-08:00

I say!

Adam Wolley is cycling from London to Cape Town, in aid of Malaria Consortium, which means that if he doesn't run out of puncture repairs, he should be passing the bottom of the road here at Kalimbuka in about five months time. I do hope he calls in for a cuppa. Here's his main website.

MM III

New Year 2009/2010

2010-01-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

I say!

A very Happy New Year to all readers of this blog from Kalimbuka.

Bit of a loose end whilst waiting for the Third Test to start tomorrow morning. Have Skyped all the relatives and offspring; have set Doviko's targets for the coming year; am two-thirds through Wisden; have stocked up on essentials; am nearly finished Bolter's Grand-Daughter; have finished a marathon session of Ashes DVDs (the ones that we won, anyway). Might play golf tomorrow.

MM III

Christmas 2009

2009-12-29T02:08:00.000-08:00

I say!

What a wonderful Christmas it was! There being no live cricket on the telly, we watched a DVD of how England beat the Aussies and regained the Ashes. By that time the braai was ready. I'd managed to purchase some turkey, so it was at least partially a traditional meal, including some Castle lager. Then we opened our presents - Wisden 2009 for me, and a bottle of gin for Mrs M.

After that, it was time to inspect Abdul's latest pitch, which I reckon will be a belter. If the Aussie's ever get over their fear of humiliation and accept our invitation to play Kalimbuka XI, I expect they will get a surprise.

After polishing off Mrs M's present, it was time to settle down to the opening overs of the Australia v Pakistan match from the 'G' at Melbourne. No quick wickets, so it was off to bed and then an early rise on Boxing Day to watch our boys play South Africa in Durban.

Perfect, actually.

During the luncheon interval, I read some good advice in The Reader's Digest:

"Always keep an open mind and open bowels. Close the one and you become a bore. Close both and you become a dead bore."

How true.

I hope the readers of this blog both had an excellent Christmas.

MM III

Jungle soldier

2009-12-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

I say!

Every now and then I try to have a day or two without any cricketing influence whatsoever. Thus it was that I settled down with a new book: "Jungle soldier" by Brian Moynahan. It tells the story of Freddy Spencer Chapman, a true hero of World War II.

Freddy Chapman was an adventurer. He spent time in Greenland, where not a lot of cricket is played, and certainly not when he was there in the winter of 1931 due to the relentless howling gales and frozen conditions. Later on, he spent some time in Tibet, as the photographer to the British Mission, and made the first ascent of Chomolhari, a mountain too steep to accommodate a cricket pitch. That mountain is sacred to Tibetan Buddhists, due to the fact that it is where the female protector godessess, the Jomo (after whom Jomo Kenyatta was named) live. He assisted Lieutenant-Colonel Sir Evan Nepean, 6th Bt, on the trip to Tibet. Nepean was an interesting chappie - he wore the same coat for 65 years, and was known as "The Bounding Baronet" - from the enormous bounding run-in he would take when bowling in cricket matches.

Following that, Freddy joined the Special Operations Executive. He was posted to Kuala Lumpur, and eventually made his way behind the Japanese lines where for several years, as well as collecting butterflies, he operated amongst the Sakai and the kongsi, living off the land, blowing up bridges and railways, and generally making life hell for the Japs.

Well, I say! What a hero he was - but little wonder, due to his early training at school. On page nine of the book, all is revealed "He bred himself to endure. 'I remember boys banging Chapman over the head with cricket bats to see how hard he could take it,' another schoolmate told Barker. 'This was not bullying, he egged them on. He was proud of his toughness.'"

He was a hard nut, certainly. Here's what he wrote about the minus temperatures in Greenland, with only some frozen walrus chops for Sunday lunch:

Mere cold is a friend, not an enemy. The weather always gets better if you wait long enough; distance is merely relative; man can exist for a very long time on very liittle food; the human body is capable of beariing immense privation; miracles still happen; it is the state of mind that is important.

If only more people prepared themselves for life in general by banging themselves over their heads with cricket bats - the world would obviously be a much better place. I often did this myself, as a child, and it didn't do me any harm whatsoever. Character forming, so it is.

Darn shame that Chapman blew his head off with a shotgun in 1971, after hanging up some curtains in his flat.

MM III

Black table

2009-12-19T01:57:00.000-08:00

I say!

What a peculiar dream I had last night. It was set on an island near Hawaii, and if you've ever come across a native of those islands, you will know that there is a very particular way of pronouncing 'Hawaii'. Anyway, in the dream, and unlike nearly all my other dreams, I was neither playing cricket, coaching cricket or doing a pitch inspection. In fact, I was playing rugby, which I haven't done for some time, since I was a bit of a wizzard in the backs.

I was chasing an oposing player who had broken away from the pack and heading for the line. I was running absolutely as fast as I could, and not quite catching up with him. Then I took a massive breath of air, and spurted forwards, enough to catch up with him, and then I dived and made a perfect tackle, bringing him to the ground.

We were both still winded by the time the rest of the packs caught up with us. I looked up from the ground, and asked." Is the pitch taking spin yet?" This caused some consternation, as I was obviously thinking about the great game of cricket, rather than the game in hand.

Anyway, and on a completely different topic, sometimes the food at pitch adviser dinners gets all avant garde.

Below is another snap I took at the event mentioned above. It shows Pablo, and a fire hose. Surely a deliberate juxtaposition? Due to the excess of fine quality fine wines at the dinner, I can't quite remember where the event took place. Possibly somewhere on the south bank.

MM III

Pretty stingy

2009-12-05T01:06:00.000-08:00

I say!

I made the mistake of talking to Doviko about bankers' bonuses this morning. I'm not sure how we got on to the subject, but anyway, I told him that a handful or so of bankers in the UK were due to get bonuses amounting to $2 billion and had threatened to resign if they didn't get it. Well, at first, he wasn't impressed, but then I realised he thought I'd meant Zim dollars. When I explaineed that it was US dollars, he was incredulous. After all, the GDP for the whole of Malawi last year was US$4.2 and so it is very difficult to imagine half of the GDP of a country going to a few bankers for doing a job that they are already being paid for. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

The outcome is that Doviko, Wilson and Abdul are now all requesting alarge Christmas bonus. But that's OK - I'll pay them in Zim dollars, as I still have a brick or two that hasn't been used for kindling.

On another matter, I tried to buy a copy of Hotboy's novels whilst visiting the Far East a while back, but I was here, so they didn't have copies of his books.

Anyway,and on an entirely different matter, I'd just like to point out that the life of a pitch advisor is not all one long round of slap-up meals and fancy hotels. Well, not all of the time, anyway. Below is a snap I took of the miserly snack lunch on offer for a fairly recent meeting of VIPs. Hardly prepared me for the heavy drinking and boisterous behaviour that followed.

But even the drinking at that meeting was rather curtailed. How would you feel yourself, if there were ten of you, and to see you through to the tea interval there were only twelve bottles of Côtes du Rhône? Pretty stingy all round, was my conclusion. Especially so considering that only four of the committee had cars with them. I was pretty vociferous on my evaluation form.

Nevertheless, throughout the afternoon I offered much good advice on the pitch inspection side of things. #5 on the agenda concerned Training Advice on how best to assess a wicket.

"Sniff it, dear boy", I insisted, is the only foolproof way to sum up a wicket nowadays. I always get down on my hands and knees, nose barely two inches from the surface, and crawl over the entire 22 yards, inhaling deeply. The process should take at least an hour. It is the only foolproof way to tell a good pitch from a bad pitch.

I'm currently developing a rather impressive presentation on the importance of smelling wickets, which I intend to deliver at the IOG later this year. Pitchcare magazine is also interested in an in-depth article on sniffing. The STRI has also contacted me. I may be busy for some time.

MM III

Dead ringer

2009-11-25T01:58:00.000-08:00

I say!

Here's a question for you:

What is the origin of the term 'dead ringer'? Is it:

a) A term first used in the Long Room of the Lords Cricket Ground (not to be re-named the Menzies Milngavie III Cricket Ground) around the turn of the 20th century to describe Sir James Metcalfe, the first person ever to ring the bell to start proceedings of a test match at that ground, who had passed away the previous week. The term henceforth grew in use to describe anyone who had once rung the Lords bell who had subsequently passed away.

b) A term arising from the times when people were terrified of being buried alive, and so a string was tied round a body's wrist in the coffin before it was lowered into a grave, and the other end attached to a bell in the office of the graveyard curator's office. If the bell later rang, it was a 'dead ringer'.

c) A term derived from the fact that in the 19th century, horses were sometimes paraded and raced under false names and pedigrees because they looked almost identical to better horses. Gamblers in the know could win small fortunes by not betting on the 'ringer' (the false horse). The word 'dead' was added to the term to indicate that the ringer horse was a very exact likeness of the better horse. As first reported in the Oshkosh Weekly Times, June 1888.

d) A term originating in telemarketing when a call that is answered is immediately hung up by the device that placed the call, because no telemarketer is available at that moment.

e) A term first used on the Meatloaf album 'Dead Ringer', released in 1981.

f) The term given to Quasimodo's brother, who occasionally rang the bell when Quasimodo was on holiday. One day he fell from the top of Notre Dame, and became known as the 'dead ringer'.

f) All of the above.

g) None of the above.

MM III

Trophy room

2009-11-22T02:41:00.000-08:00

I say!

Well, I would just like to distance myself from the proposal that Lord's should be renamed the Menzies Milngavie III Cricket Ground. I can understand the appeal of such a name, and would like to thank those who made the proposal, but I feel that Lords is Lords, and should remain as such. Doviko sent off his stash of Zim $5 billion to some website he found about the possible renaming, in the hope of influencing the decision. I've told him that Zim dollars are worthless nowadays, but he'd like it back anyway because a brick of notes makes quite good kindling.

Last week the Smondays lived up to their name. I didn't receive The Sunday Times until Wednesday. I think a London flight to Lilongwe was cancelled, or something. Anyway, when the paper did arrive, I noticed an item about Richard Dunn. In May 1976 Richard Dunn fought Muhammad Ali for the world boxing championship. The first part of the fight is embedded below. Dunn does Ok for the first three rounds. Ali hurts him in the second round, but he comes back at Ali.

The second part of the fight is shown below. In the fourth round, Dunn goes down three times. In the fifth, he's down twice more, the last time to a wind-up punch by Ali. Dunn's quote in the Times last week was "I'd taken his best shots. I'd been down five times, true. But what people forget is, I got up five times. I thought I could go on and do some damage." I say! What an indomitable spirit! Dunn was later knocked out by Joe Bugner - and I see that Joe is now one of the celebs in the jungle!

We were invited round to Henry Dixon's house the other night. He lives half way up the plateau. Seen a bit of action over the years, so he has. Hands shake a bit nowadays, but his stories of the good old days up in Fort Portal are something else.

Here's a snap of his trophy room. Bit over the top, I thought.

MM III

How we could do better in Afghanistan

2009-11-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

I say!

Some commentators have suggested that we should pull out of Afghanistan. Well, it's certainly a fact that essentially some hill tribesmen gave our lads a bit of a doing recently, but I don't think we should be too negative about this. I've given this quite a bit of thought, and after reading the in-depth report on the BBC I think that the solution is to provide better support, plus more suitable personnel with better kit, and just go out there with all guns firing, as it were. Insisting on playing with a Duke ball might help as well, as our lads are much more familiar with it.

I recieved a rambling email from Brian Wilson today. More rambling than usual, because for once he appeared to be sober, but it's difficult to tell. He told me that he'd attended a book festival at a place called Lennoxlove House, in East Lothian, on Friday evening. Apparently most of the Edinburgh literati were there, though not Hotboy, which was a surprise, but it did probably result in less heckling from the floor. He said that it was as if half of the Edinburgh New Town was in the audience, with plenty of bow ties, shawls, tweeds and scarves on view. The occasion was a presentation by Alexander McCall Smith who, of course, has written several books set in Botswana, Edinburgh, and more recently London.

Well, when Brian Wilson said that he'd chatted to McCall Smith afterwards and had mentioned my name, I got worried. I certainly don't want to be closely associated with Wilson, but fortunately Sandy McCall Smith and my own paths have not directly crossed in the past, so that was a relief. I hope that Wilson kept his teeth in, in Sandy's presence.

From the website, Lennoxlove castle looks lovely. I must arrange a tour on my next visit to Dear Old Blighty.

MM III

Bats, war between France and England, etc

2009-11-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

I say,

Well the break between cricket series has enabled me to read a couple of non-cricketing books and do some investigations on the Web.

Firstly, here is an item that may interest many readers of this blog. It's about bats. And I don't mean cricket bats!

Secondly, the last war between France and England was fought over the great game of cricket, and it happened, not as you might expect in very distant times, but rather between 1940 and 1942. I've been reading "England's last war against France" by Colin Smith for more details. Very interesting.

The historic records show that in France, cricket was banned as an ‘alien’ sport in 1940 by the collaborationist Vichy government. Well, that insult was enough to get the blood up, and soon both countries were actually fighting, in England, northern Africa, Madagascar, and Palestine. And it was, at times, a vicious war.

Of course, the French started it - when two Royal Navy officers and a French warrant officer were fatally wounded on board the Surcouf, which was berthed in Plymouth.

The fighting extended to Madagascar, in the Battle of Majunga, where 12 British forces were killed.

There was a lot more fighting, at the Battle of Palmyra in Syria, for example. At Palmyra, it was the sight of the ancient cricket ground, that I reported upon in May of this year, that got the two sides started. Major general Bill Slim and the 10th Indian Division, supported by Roald Dahl, the fighter pilot and later author, and the Australian Peter Turnbull (not Peter Turnbull the right-hand batsman), in his Tomahawk fighter, fought it out with the Vichy forces.

Eventually, the Brits won.

The person who started all the trouble, in 1940, was Pierre Laval. He didn't enjoy the great game of cricket at all. Well, in 1945 he was found guilty of high treason. Just before he was about to face the firing squad he took some cyanide. Fortunately, a prison doctor got to him with a stomach pump, and within an hour he was deemed conscious enough to face the firing squad. One can only wonder what his stars said for that day.

So ended the last war between England and France.

Since then, the French have come to their senses about the great game of cricket, and have agreed to a rematch in Lille, where I will be inspecting the pitch.

MM III

Have your say on The Question of the moment

2009-11-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

I say!

What is your favourite tipple? Is it BrewDog, or The Dalmore? I invite the legions of regular readers of this blog to vote with a Comment.

Of course, neither is a patch on good old MG&T.

For something entirely different, see here. The rumour currently circulating the Masongola is that Albert is planning to hold Duneditin 2010 on one of these islands. It's also rumoured that Hotboy may relocate his hut to the Suwarrow Atoll.

MM III

Where was I eating this time?

2009-10-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

I say!

I was recently the occasion of the 150th anniversary of David Livingstone being the first European to visit Malawi. At the time, "his bowels bled constantly". But DL was very tough.

He came past the end of the road, here at Kalimbuka, where he was sold some rotten eggs. Somehow, he didn't know the trick of licking one end of the eggs to see whether the other end warmed up, or not. I always do this when buying eggs in the market.

The missionaries who followed on from Livingstone established a church at Cape Maclear, known locally as Chembe, and then another one further north at Bandawe, and then they moved up to Livingstonia, where the climate was better. There's a lovely church and stone cottage there now. A few years ago, when Mrs M and myself were up in that area, we happened upon a very old and partially blind man, to whom we got talking. As a child, this man could remember being taught by Dr Robert Laws, who had been inspired by DL to come to Malawi (Nyasaland, as it then was).

All this has nothing to do with the fact that during a break from endless discussions at a Pitch Advisor's Colloquium not so long ago, where the main topic of conversation was a radical proposal to change the proportion of seven parts chewings fescue to three parts bentgrass, to six parts chewings fescue to four parts bentgrass (rejected after lengthy discussion) I found myself in a delightful restaurant with some friends.

Below is a snap I took of my main course. Below that is a snap of the (shared) first course (which was historic). Can you guess the nationality of the restaurant in which I enjoyed the meal? And what exactly was I eating for the main course?

MM III

Walrus lunch

2009-10-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I say!

I've been very much enjoying reading "Into the abyss" by Benedict Allen. When it gets hot here in Kalimbuka, it's nice to read about colder climates.

Anyway, Benedict writes about lunch in the Chukchi Peninsula:

"They were hacking into the walrus, and even though frozen, their picnic reeked.

'Here's yours!' said Yasha, proffering a slice on the tip of his knife. I looked at it: the fat a centimetre thick, the fibrous fishy flesh tinged with pondweed green and accompanied by that dustin odour of old fish...I opted for a slab of the whale meat, chewing the tyre-tread skin and inch of fat through to the finely threaded beefy flesh that you'd hope for in such a grazer."

Hmm. Yummy. I wonder what Doviko has cooked up for tea tonight.

MM III

Cricket and the Viking Seneschals of Skye

2009-10-08T00:43:00.000-07:00

I say!

One of the places Mrs M and myself visited as part of the Duneditin 2009 Conference extracurricular activities was Dunvegan Castle, which is situated to the north west of the island of Skye.

Above is a snap I took of the magnificent pile.

The snap above was taken from the south.

Anyway, a bit of history. A long, long time ago, in the 13th Century, a viking called Leod (which means 'Ugly') who was the younger son of Olaf the Black, married the heiress of the Macarailts, and as a result acquired Dunvegan Castle. Incidentally, the MacLeods have been based there ever since.

Well, you might think, after looking at the two snaps above, that Leod wanted to get his hands on the castle. However, the castle in those days wasn't the prime real estate that it is today. In fact, it was little more than a basic fort in those days.

Anyway, Leod's motto, which is still the motto of the MacLeod clan today, was "Hold fast" (the modern interpretation of the motto is shown below). I have it on the best authority that "Hold Fast" doesn't have the military meaning that you might expect (i.e. that it has something to do with holding the line during battle). Neither is the tradition saying that one day Tormod (1509–1584), the 12th chief of Clan MacLeod, sprang into a ring armed with only his dirk to save a man condemned to be gored to death by a bull, and attacked the bull, holding it by it's horns and shouting "Hold fast", correct.

No. I have it on the best authority that Leod was a great cricket fan, and that in the middle of a match between two groups of vikings, on a balmy summer's afternoon in the 13th century, the oposing team's opening batsman skied a ball. Leod, who was watching from long leg, jumped up, and exclaimed "Hold fast to that ball!" Over great periods of time, this quote has become corrupted into "Hold fast to that bull!", and hence the mistaken symbol of the bull in the middle of the motto, which, as anyone can see, is really in the shape of a cricket ball with the seam having been lifted towards the bottom.

Now that I've cleared that up, and if any more proof were needed, we have the snap I took below. It shows the view towards the south west taken from Dunvegan Castle. This mountain, known as the 'Macleod Table' is obviously what attracted Leod to the area. It is flat topped, and was obviously where Leod and his team played cricket, within view of the castle, where the ladies of the castle prepared the cucumber sandwiches for tea.

There is a great tradition of cricket in ancient Scotland, as I showed some time ago in another post.

MM III

Is this boy a cyclist?

2009-10-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

I say!

This chap Rod Gilmour has the right idea, don't you think? He is cycling to the next Ashes series in Australia. He's also raising money for charity whilst he's at it. What a wonderful idea. I wish I'd thought of it. He has a blog, in case you wish to see how he's getting on. If his route takes him past Kalimbuka, I do hope he'll call in. We could call up the troops and have a net.

I mentioned previously that some of the extracurricular activities at Duneditin 2009 involved a St Kilda film night, hosted by Fèis an Eilein. Here is some more information about the island, just in case you are thinking of a visit. Here is the St Kilda website.

Here is a delightful website about the history of St Kilda. The traditional owner of St Kilda was the MacLeod chieftan, whose main home was at Dunvegan on the Isle of Skye. Mrs M and myself were fortunate enought to visit Dunvegan during the Duneditin 2009 conference, and I shall report upon my truly amazing historical findings there in a future post.

MM III

Hoist the Jack

2009-09-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

I say!

I was watching the movie "The Bounty" the other night. What a great film it is too. There are, of course, several movie versions of the same story. The one I watched had Mel Gibson playing the part of Fletcher Christian and Anthony Hopkins as Captain Bligh. My favourite scene is where Hopkins is cast adrift with his followers after the mutiny. He doesn't bat an eyelid, but merely orders "Hoist the Jack!"

He had to keep up appearances, you see. It's the same here in Kalimbuka. Sometimes it's necessary to show the flag, as it were. But anyway, an earlier version of the same Bounty story, this time entitled "Mutiny of the Bounty" featured the owner of patent number 6812392 in the part of Fletcher Christian. I wrote about the owner of this patent some time ago. It was, of course, Marlon Brando.

The story of The Bounty is essentially one of giving in to temptation. A boat load of sailors spend ten months going half way around the world, with only themselves for company, and then drop anchor in Tahiti, in order to pick up breadfuit plants which were destined for the West Indies where it was hoped they would provide food for slaves. During their stay, a number of the sailors, including Christian, formed relationships with Tahitian women, who were noted for their beauty and loose morals.

Of course, the party had to end, and the Bounty eventually set sail once again, much to the sailors' regret. However, after only a short time some of the sailors, led by Christian, mutinied. They sailed back to Tahiti, continued the partying for a while, and eventually left with their Tahitian wives, ending up on Pitcairn Island.

By the way, Caroline Alexander, who used to live here in Kalimuka, wrote a wonderful book about the whole episode.

Anyway, when, several years after the mutineers landed on Pitcairn Island, an English ship also eventually landed at the island, being the first ship to do so since the mutineers had arrived there, they found only one mutineer still alive - Alexander Smith. There were 35 other inhabitants - children and wives of the mutineers, but only one of the original band. No-one knows exactly what happened to the others, apart from the fact that they had probably been murdered. By whom - no-one was sure and no-one told tales. Alexander Smith said he knew nothing at all about how his fellow mutineers had disappeared. One day they were there, he said, and the next they were nowhere to be found. I say, what a story!

Now, an interesting thing is that during the filming of Mutiny of the Bounty, Brando fell in love with his leading Tahitian lady, just like Fletcher Christian, whom he portrayed, had done so many years before. He too gave in to temptation, just like Christian had done. Brando married her, Tarita Teriipia, in 1962, his third wife. Interestingly, Brando had previously been married to Movita Castaneda, who had appeared in the first Mutiny on the Bounty film in 1935. One couldn't make up these coincidences, could one? Brando later divorced Tarita.

The moral, quite obviously, is that it is difficult not to give in to temptation, but of course it is much better to always resist temptation.

MM III

Tentaculum

2009-09-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

I say!

This report gives another meaning to the 'third eye' that some meditators claim.

MM III

Some more snaps from Duneditin

2009-09-22T11:51:00.001-07:00

I say!

Thanks to one of the international attendees, Caro-Hen, we now have a few more snaps taken at and around the Duneditin 2009 Conference.

Above - MM III and Mrs M await the arrival of The Great Kawolski.

Above: Mrs M arrives at the conference and greets the assembly.

Above: where Hotboy spent much of the conference.

Above: a nice snap taken near the conference centre.

Above: It is thought that Brian Wilson made his escape from the authorities in this boat.

MM III

Why Hotboy's computer doesn't work

2009-09-17T13:04:00.001-07:00

I say!

Hotboy's computer connection hasn't been working well for some time. He sent me the above snap of his latest attempt to solve the problem, using what he called "the latest wireless technology." I'm not sure how to break the obvious news to him.

MM III

The Hotboy True or False? quiz

2009-09-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

I say!

Following on from the success of the Duneditin 2009 True or False? quiz, here is a Hotboy true or false quiz. Please feel free to ReTweet this.

1. Hotboy lives in a hut. True or false?

2. Menzies IV and Henry Morton play in a band called The Hotboys. True or false?

3. Hotboy spends more of his time meditating than anything else. True or false?

4. Hotboy is 67. True or false?

5. Hotboy was nappy trained at an abnormally early age. True or false?

6. The best concert that Hotboy was ever at was a Brian Wilson concert. True or false?

7. Women find Hotboy attractive in a sexual way. True or false?

8. Hotboy has more than one organ that continues to grow. True or false?

9. Hotboy has been to Kalimbuka. True or false?

10. No-one understands a word Hotboy says when he's drunk. True or false?

11. Hotboy grows tatties. True or false?

12. Hotboys meditation mantra is Guantánamo Bay. True or false?

13. Christina Milian's track 'Hot Boy' with the lyrics "I’m ho-ho ho-ho hot girl,
I’m in need of a ho-ho ho-ho hot boy" is actually a tribute song to Hotboy. True or false?

14. Hotboy's partner is called Domestic Bliss. True or false?

15. Hotboy calls people who don't meditate flatheads. True or false?

16. Hotboy's biggest selling book to date was entitled: Are you boys flatheids? True or false?

17. Hotboy does not believe in work. True or false?

Next time - the MMIII true or false quiz.

MM III

More activities at Duneditin

2009-09-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

I say!

Some more snaps taken around the time of Duneditin 2009. Plus, don't miss the True or False quiz soundtrack, over at the conference website.

Below: A typical Skye motorway.

At one of the many conference dinners, Hotboy covers his ears - he does not want to hear any more talk about bliss.

Below: Mrs M enjoys a scramble in the Red Cuillin.

Below: Mrs M presents the Great Kawolski with his award for 'Best Heckle'.

MM III

Duneditin - extracurricular activities

2009-08-31T01:32:00.000-07:00

I say!

For those of you who don't understand the wonderful game of cricket, here is an excellent explanation.

I see that after the recent Ashes win, the England team ran up a £10,000 bar bill. Pretty disgusting, I think. After all, their bill after winning in 2005 the bill was over £30,000. Boonie, the Aussie 'Keg on Legs', could have got through half of the £10,000 himself! I really don't know what's happening to the modern game. Boonie once got through 52 stubbies just on the flight over to the UK.

But we're not here to talk nonstop about cricket. Unlike some other blogs, this blog has more than one focus.

I have to report on some of the extracurricular activities at the recent Duneditin 2009 Conference, held in Ardvasar, Isle of Skye.

A wonderful time was had by all participants, both at the conference, and before and after. An enjoyable evening was spent by several of the conference attendees at the Ronan Martin and Johnny Hardie concert, put on by Fèis an Eilein. Another excellent event was the 'Finis Terrae' and 'St Kilda film night, also hosted by Fèis an Eilein.

Shown below - some of the conference organisers search for Brian Wilson, who escaped police custody shortly after being apprehended during the closing ceremony.

Shown below: I discuss some of the finer points of traditional British nappy training with a delegate from France.

Below: Oregon Jim scores 'nil point' at the ever-popular mini-frisbee challenge.

Below: MM III, the Great Kawolski and Caro-Hen run through their presentations in an open-air environment, the day before the Conference proper.

MM III

More snaps from Duneditin 2009

2009-08-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well, the Saltire minnows didn't manage to repeat England's besting of the Aussies in the Ashes, but perhaps that is only to be expected. The great game of cricket has some way to go, north of the Ouse.

Here are some more snaps taken around the time of Duneditin 2009: the International A-List Bloggers Convention.

Below, at the pre-conference-departure dinner, at The Sheep Heid, Edinburgh, Oregon Jim thinks the prices are in US$

Below - a shipload of conference attendees about to arrive at Armadale.

Below: Caro-Hen (Aus) and MM III (Malawi) (joint conference organisers) wait for The Great Kawolski, who will later open the Duneditin Conference.

Below: Timeout before the Conference takes place.

More snaps next time.

MM III

Bring on the minnows

2009-08-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

I say!

Having been soundly beaten by England, the Aussies are looking for an easier time. I see from the schedule that tomorrow they play the Saltires in Edinburgh.

If Hotboy looks out of his kitchen window, he'll be able to watch the match.

MM III

Oh to be in Blighty, now The Ashes are home

2009-08-23T10:37:00.001-07:00

I say!

Can there be a dry eye in the house, now that we've seen our boys win back The Ashes from the Aussies at The Oval?

Below is what it's all about - the famous urn:

And the moment we've all been waiting for, for the past two years and the recent 24 days of cricket (the most wonderful game in the world) - Andrew Strauss holds The Ashes aloft as they return to the land of hope and glory:

I would just add that, thank goodness, the groundsman at The Oval took my advice about the pitch. But, perhaps, the less said about the details of that, the better. Wilson has just asked me how he might quality to play for England in the next series. I think he's impressed by the amount of bubbly being consumed.

MM III

Duneditin 2009 Conference Report

2009-08-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

I say!

How wonderful that the National Archives in dear old Blighty are featuring the Ashes series. There's a lot to be learnt there, so there is. And how wonderful that England have given the Aussies a sniff of a chance of retaining the Ashes by deliberately losing the fourth Test Match, just to make it all a bit more exciting.

Of course, I must now report on the Duneditin 2009 Conference, which, it was agreed by all who attended, was a resounding success. Particularly appreciated was the speed with which Sheriff Flatewood placed a restraining order on Brian Wilson, thus preventing him from further disrupting the proceedings. I'm sure that the leg bite marks will soon disappear from those he attacked during the closing ceremony, and the bodily fluid stains on the carpet are unlikely to last too long either. Only two broken windows this year! Must be a record.

The conference opened with a toast to 'missing friends', and then it was straight down to business.

Hotboy's particularly brief, but to the point, seminar on "Bliss, blogging, bonking, bourgeois, bondage, baldness, bars, bestiality, beer, bhang, breath, Buddhism - what is the connection?" was very well attended, I must say.

My own presentation, entitled "Bradman, Boycott, Botham, Butcher, Bailey, Brearley, Barnes, Barrington, Bedser, Benaud, Bland, Bolus, Border, Blowers - what is the connection?" drew a particularly warm response.

Even Brian Wilson's talk, before he was evicted for anti-social behaviour, on "Brian, Beach Boys, Brian and the Beach Boys - is there a connection?" went down quite well with those of the audience who had not vacated the auditorium for the bar at the tenth drinks interval, just after lunch.

I must also say that I thought my second presentation on "The effects of premature nappy training on bloggers in the Scottish diaspora" was received warmly as well. I was rather surprised that some of the audience had taken the title to heart, and wore appropriate costume (if that's the correct word).

And now for some snaps.

Above: Hotboy making a particularly important point.

Above: Hotboy and MM III relax during the twelth drinks interval.

Above: One of the many breakout sessions.

Above: Mrs M presenting Caro with the award for "Most enthusiastic breakout session attendee".

Above: A surprised Oregon Jim receives an award from Mrs M for the "Most obsessive gizmo owner"

Above: Hotboy receives his award for the Briefest Presentation.

Some more snaps, next time. A supplementary report appears on the official conference website.

MM III

Duneditin 2009 update

2009-08-17T05:55:00.000-07:00

I say!

How wonderful it is to be back in Kalimbuka. Doviko, Wilson, Abdul, and the dogs Casper and Farley were all lined up outside the door to greet me.

A full report on Duneditin 2009 will appear here and at the conference website as soon as I have sobered up after finishing all of the duty free. This may take a little time, as there was a special deal available at Gatwick.

MM III

Duneditin 2009 - draft programme

2009-08-06T04:53:00.000-07:00

I say!

Not long to go now until Duneditin 2009 gets underway at the International Conference and Leisure Centre, Ardvasar Hotel, Isle of Skye, on Friday 14th August.

Bloggers from all over the world will be attending. The draft programme is now available:

Caro-Hen (Australia) - "Blogging as a rite de passage"

Madyamika (Hut, Edinburgh, Scotland) - "Bliss, blogging, bonking, boxing, bourgeois, bondage, baldness, bars, bestiality, beer, bhang, breath, Buddhism - what is the connection?"

Lone Groover (France) - "Going beyond the sunset shot - Is it possible to return, and has this anything to do with blogging?"

Domestic Bliss (Scotland) - "My life with a Living Saint blogger"

Oregon Jim (USA) - "Brownies and blogging - the secret recipe finally revealed"

Patty (USA) - "My parents' 72-year marriage - Is this all down to regular blogging?"

Menzies Milngavie III (Kalimbuka, Malawi) - "Tweeting the return of The Ashes"

Froggy Div (France) - [title still under discussion]

Onan the Bavarian [by video link] (Flat Island : Heard Island And McDonald Islands) - "My trouser press - an open and shut case"

Moral, mental and (if required) physical support will be provided throughout the Conference and Unconference by L-Babes (Scotland).

Photos from previous Duneditin conferences can be found here and here.

MM III

Edgbaston ground

2009-08-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

I say!

Here's a couple of snaps showing what the playing surface was like. The first one was taken at 11am.

The second one was taken at 2pm, just before the heavy rain started to fall.

MM III

Edgbaston

2009-08-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well, what a day I had a the Test Match at Edgbaston in Birmingham. Everything but proper cricket, as it turned out, due to the rain. Yes, it rained just about all day, and no play was possible. Shortly after lunch the game was abandoned for the day. How sad.

However, what a wonderful atmosphere. Here are some snaps taken around the ground.

First of all, a collection of Michael Jacksons:

Then, a couple of elfs and a rock star:

Next - some city gents:

And of course, some Sheilas from Australia, supporting the touring team:

MM III

Birmingham

2009-07-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well what a to-do. First of all they send me an emergency call to come to Dear Old Blighty and offer some pitch advice for the pitch at Edgbaston before the Third Test. They put me up at the Reigate Manor Hotel (room shown below, with new netbook, and the excellent free Surrey Guide magazine, in the frame) in Surrey, so that I can attend headquarters for some top hush-hush business before proceeding to Birmingham.

Then the next day they decide that the pitch is, in fact, fine to play (it's the outfield that has been giving the problems, due to the constant recent rain) and I'm not really needed. So instead, they sign me off, and give me a ticket for Saturday at Edgbaston, and they put me up at the Quality Inn Hotel, 166 Hagley Road, Birmingham (room shown below), all expenses paid plus a free bar!!

We're fortunate beings, so we are!

MM III

Tea

2009-07-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

I say!

I find it hard to believe that the reason the Aussies are going to lose the Ashes is that their fast bowler's mum thinks his girlfriend is not good enough for him - but that's the truth, according to this article in The Telegraph. I don't know what the world's coming to. The Aussies have even banned sledging during the series. If Merv (the Swerve) Hughes wasn't still alive, he'd be turning in his grave.

They'll do anything to persuade people to go to Australia, now that they are losing at the cricket. Here's an advert I particularly enjoyed.

Due to the inordinate amount of rain they've been having in Dear Old Blighty recently, I've been called in to act as an emergency adviser for the forthcoming pitch, and will have to leave Kalimbuka tomorrow in the safe hands of Armed Response, Wilson, the dogs, and Mrs M for a few days and go to Edgbaston. Criminals take note - the boundary has been booby-trapped, the dogs have rabies, and Wilson has been sharpening his panga for a whole week now.

In the meantime, for those who enjoyed the movies from Africa in a previous post, here's another, very sobering and gripping one.

I'm currently sitting here in Kalimbuka enjoying a cup of Lapsang Souchong. Smokey, it is.

In the mother country (Dear Old Blighty), any day of the year, an average of 165 million cups of tea are brewed. As Mrs M and myself saw on our recent trip to Sri Lanka, a tea picker picks several kilos of tea per day, but when processed (dried, cooked, rolled and cooked again) this reduces to the equivalent of about one pound. Tea pickers are not well paid, and are mostly Tamils. They may earn enough in a day to buy a six-pack of Castlemaine XXXX. Thankfully, Castlemaine XXXX isn't usually on sale in the tea estates.

Only the top two leaves and the bud at the end of each branch are picked. Tea contains theanine, which is similar to caffeine. According to the Wikipedia, "...theanine has psychoactive properties.^[5] Theanine has been shown to reduce mental and physical stress^[6], reduce anxiety similar to a degree similar to anxiolytics like alprazolam^[7] and improves cognition and mood in a synergistic manner with caffeine." Caffeine is the most widely consumed behaviour-modifying drug in the world.

Tea is said to promote longevity, help digestion, help to clear phlegm, and lift spirits. Tea contains traces of manganese, zinc, potassium, and magnesium.

Here are some tea pickers at work on an estate near Haputale.

Tea can be grown from seed, but is usually cloned, a process known as agamogenesis. The tea bushes are allowed to grow to about 1.5 metres before being developed into flat tops. As a result, walking through a hillside on which tea is growing is like walking in a well-tended garden with lots of pruned hedges.

Below is Mrs M being shown samples of tea, at the Tea Factory. Although the Tea Factory is actually a hotel now, they still produce a small amount of tea in a building closeby.

And shown below is the final product, on display in the packing room.

Below is our residence at the time - The Tea Factory hotel. Lovely place. In the foreground, most of what you can see consists of tea bushes.

Hugh Falconer, William Jameson, Robert Fortune, James Taylor, Thomas Lipton, Robert Bruce - these are famous names in the history of tea. All Scots, so they were.

They have tried mechanised tea pickers, but it doesn't work well, so the industry remains very labour-intensive. Tea employs, directly and indirectly, about half a million people in Sri Lanka. It's been grown there only since the 1860s, in response to the blight which attacked coffee plants.

The custom of drinking tea is probably older than the custom of meditating. It is said that the first person to drink tea was the Emperor Shen-Nung, a long, long time ago.

MM III

Fingers

2009-07-23T02:59:00.000-07:00

I say!

The answer to the quiz in a previous post was that Nathan Hauritz had just dislocated his finger. An occupational hazzard with bowling, as can be seen from this snap of David Morrison.

MM III

King Freddie

2009-07-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

I say!

"King Freddie" was the Kabaka of Uganda. You can watch his coronation in this wonderful video.

Now there is a new King Freddie - Freddie Flintoff, the Hammer of the Aussies. Freddie is the king of cricket.

On the other hand, General Idi Amin Dada once claimed to be the King of Scotland. In the above video, he gives out his phone number, and advises on the place of women in the household.

MM III

What has just happened?

2009-07-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well, the Aussie cricketers are in danger of being humiliated at Lords. The Ashes Test Match at Lords is, of course, the greatest sporting event in the world.

Here's a quiz question. What has just hapened, in the snap below:

MM III

In need of coaching

2009-07-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

I say!

Someone should give some basic coaching to the Aussie bowlers. This is not a good position from which to bowl:

MM III

Empire of cricket

2009-07-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

I say!

Not long to go now until Duneditin 2009. In the meantime, here's a wonderful BBC programme.

I enjoyed the quote from the great Tom Graveney in that programme, about the Aussies facing up to Bob Willis' fast bowling: "It's always nice to see an Australian batsman go white"

At the present time, of course, the Aussie cricketers are becoming experts at whinging, rather than playing up and playing the game (the second match of the series begins later today).

Andy Flower tells Ricky Ponting to stop whinging about time-wasting.

I also have it on the best authority that Sir Geoffrey, after a couple of jars down at his local the other night, said "Eee. Yon Aussies do nowt but complain. Even me Mum changes 'er glooves now and then, so what's wrong wi Jimmy getting his changed after 'es bin at wicket fer half an hour? Yoong Jimmy played very well. He's a good blocker, he is, and batting is all about blocking. It were great creekit, it were, joost like when I played."

And the Aussies can't even beat Tuffers at pedalo racing or lawnmower racing!

Finally, here's a wonderful song, which you'll want to put on repeat:

MM III

Where's Mrs M?

2009-07-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

I say!

It's rather a big case of whinging Aussies after the first Test Match. First of all, they get wound up about an innocent advert beamed on to Sydney Harbour Bridge, and then Ricky Ponting, The Aussie captain, get's upset when one of the England batsmen changes his gloves. Well, I say - which of us, even the Queen, has not wanted to change our gloves at some stage or another?

When, of when, will the Aussies stop complaining? The next thing you know, they may copy the West Indies players, go into a complete huff, and decline to play.

It was a close-run thing in the first Test Match of the Ashes in Cardiff, but in the end it was a draw. Who knows what might have happened if Australa had had to bat again. All it takes is ten good balls, after all. Of course, there was the small matter of the 670 or so runs that they scored in the first innings, but's let's not worry too much about that.

England have not been humiliated (yet), and what a real plus that is. Things can only get better.

Not too long to go until Duneditin 2009. In the meantime, where's Mrs M in the snap shown below?

MM III

The Ashes are England's

2009-07-08T03:31:00.001-07:00

I say!

This morning at Cardiff, in the 65th instance of The Ashes, England won the toss, and chose to bat. England are playing two spinners, and this means that the Aussies will have to bat last on a wicket which is known to turn square. The main Aussie fast bowler, Brett Lee, is injured.

It's obvious that the Ashes are almost England's, and we can look forward to seeing a similar image to the above, but with the Ashes raised above the England captain's head, in the media, later in the summer.

MM III

Update. Hmm, some minor hiccups as England lose three early wickets on the first morning's play, but nothing to worry too much about, I trust.

For those who like to relive Ashes moments of the past, and that must surely include just about everyone, there's a lovely Ashes Archive at the BBC. Only this morning, Doviko was telling me that he wished he had more time to listen to and watch these archived sound recordings and videos.

I'm back, I'm mean...and I'm tipsy

2009-07-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

I say!

How wonderful it is to be back in Kalimbuka once more after our travels to the Far East. Mrs M and myself had a most wonderful time in Sri Lanka and other places, of which more in a while. The expedition was a resounding success, and I have brought back irreputable evidence of all sorts of things.

For once, the trip did not involve very much hush hush business, and I was therefore able to concentrate almost entirely on pitch matters. By that, I do not mean pitch matting, but rather the real substance of pitches - mother earth.

I have a lot to report on, but before that, returning to Kalimbuka slightly jet-lagged brings to mind a previous occasion when I returned from the Far East. My route at that time, some eight years ago, took in Dear Old Blighty. Having earned so many airmiles from the trip, I treated Hotboy to an extended weekend in the Nederlands before returning to Kalimbuka.

Well, I tell you...what a weekend we had. We didn't even manage to check in to our hotel for the first two days. I believe that one night we stayed at a squat in Harlem, but can't be too sure, as Hotters started serious drinking on the flight over (ordering me one for each two that he consumed), and then dragged me into a bar as soon as we'd landed. Then he introduced himself to some locals. Several hours later I completely lost track of reality.

I believe it was on the Sunday morning that I eventually said to Hotters:

"I say, Hotters! My feet haven't touched the ground yet. As far as I can recollect, I believe that we haven't eaten for at least a day or so. What say you that we call into this establishment [pointing to a restaurant] and order some breakfast?"

Well, let me tell you, Hotters was not impressed with this suggestion. In fact, and in no uncertain terms, he shouted back at me:

"Mingin! Pull yourself together, man. This is Amsterdam. Ah'm nae gonna pollute masel' wi food! It's entirely up to you if you want to."

We did, however, end up in the restaurant. I had a lovely breakfast, and Hotters had some more liquid refreshments to wash down the pills he'd just bought at the corner shop.

Such a civilised place, Amsterdam. I must return there, in the near future.

But to matter of more consequence.

Here is a quiz question:

What is Mrs M doing in the following snap?

To set the scene and give you a clue, we have just arrived at the most wonderful Hunas Falls Hotel, and have been shown to our room.

Clue: If you were Mrs M, what would you do?

MM III

Bliss puzzle

2009-06-03T13:07:00.001-07:00

I say!

By the way, wonderful news about the Duneditin 2009 conference booze cruise, which will have a large supply of MGTs.

Here's a puzzle.

There are two closed boxes. Inside the first box is the key to instant everlasting bliss and happiness. Inside the second box is the key to instant grief, sorrow, lamentations and eternal damnation.

Standing beside the two bozes are two gurus. Both gurus know the contents of both boxes. One guru always tells the truth. The other one always tells lies.

Brian Wilson approaches the gurus and the boxes. He doesn't know which box holds which key, and he doesn't know which is the guru who will tell the truth and which is the guru who will always lie.

Brian Wilson is allowed to ask either one of the gurus one question, and one question only.

What question does Brian Wilson need to ask either one of the gurus in order to be 100% sure that he can then know which box has the key to instant everlasting bliss and happiness?

Answers in a Comment, please.

I have to go away shortly to inspect some pitches in far-off places, so it may be some time until I can reveal if you have the correct answer. But, if you have the correct answer, it will in any case be obvious that it is the correct answer.

MM III

Cricket, Mt Everest, wars, guns, Africa

2009-06-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

I say!

By the way, wonderful news about the Duneditin 2009 conference.

How wonderful that the ICC World Twenty20 is about to start. England will surely win it, with South Africa coming second. I doubt whether the Aussies will do very well at all.

How wonderful, also, that the great game of cricket is now being played on Mt Everest. The organisers of these matches haven't asked me to inspect the pitch yet, but I am available, should the call arise, and can look out my crampons, ice axe and fore-and-after. I imagine it might be a bit difficult to get a flat pitch so high up - perhaps just below the Second Step there might be some level ground. Good luck to them, anyway.

There is already an Everest Cricket Club, but it is in America. Eventually, of course, cricket will be played everywhere - I am sure of that. Even underwater.

Another book has been published on how to deal with the various problems in Africa. I have written on this topic many times. Here is just one example. The writer of the new book is called Paul Collier, and the title of his book is Wars, Guns and Votes. He recognises that elections are sometimes over-rated and proposes various solutions, some of which make good sense, but many involve a level of organisation by foreign organisations which is unlikely.

My own solution is to cut aid, in order to allow African economies to thrive without undue influence from outside, but most importantly Western countries must withdraw the subsidies they pay their nationals for agricultural and other products. If this happens, African produce can compete on a level playing field. You can't get a good game of cricket on a pitch which is not level, and neither can you get fair world trade. This is yet another example of how cricket can teach us how to live our lives.

MM III

Ancient Sumerians and cricket

2009-05-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

I say!

Here is a wonderful clip of my close friend Daniel (Dr Daniel Kachamba).

On another matter, my friend J.C., a demon bowler and opening batsman of no little talent before he retired to take up full time pitch inspections, has brought back irrefutable proof from his recent research trip to Syria that cricket was a major sport amongst the Ancient Sumerians. In fact, it was probably from them that the Romans learnt the great game. Some time ago, I posted about the Romans and cricket.

J.C. conducted extensive research in the Syrian desert, and sent back the following two snaps.

The first snap shows the wicket at the Sumerian cricket headquarters at Palmyra - their equivalent of Lords. The bails have not been taken off, so one must assume that the game was interrupted by something quite serious - perhaps the Uruks were invaded mid-game by Lugal-Zage-Si of Umma. Note in the background, on the hill, the new press box behind the bowlers arm. It is from there that Gilgamesh, the Sumerian equivalent of Geoffrey Boycott, would have reported to his countrymen upon the state of play.

J.C.'s second snap below clearly shows a Sumerian scorecard. For comparison, I have included a modern equivalent. One can see that the technique has not progressed much over the centuries, but neither has it needed to, such is the noble art.

MM III

What do you do on Saturdays?

2009-05-14T04:41:00.000-07:00

I say!

I was in some company the other evening at the 'Government Hostile' when someone present said - "Menzies - what do you do on Saturdays?"

Well, I thought it quite a peculiar question. Of course, I responded "On Saturdays, I watch the cricket, after which I hold a brief training session with the Kalimbuka VII" (It's really the Kalimbuka V unless you count Casper and Farley, the dogs, who often go after the ball when it goes down to third man, their speciality fielding position (i.e. their baskets)).

Ah, the chappy continued - "But what do you do if there's no cricket on the television?"

Well, I was dumfounded, and rather lost for words, because I have no idea what I do on Saturdays if there's no cricket on the television. It very much got me thinking. What on earth DO I do on Saturdays when there is no cricket.

Last Saturday, due to the trouncing England gave the Windies on Friday, there was no cricket on the television, unless you count the IPL game, which I decided not to watch in order that I could find out what I did on Saturdays when there's no cricket.

Here was my day's itinerary:

Got up, shaved and showered, with Mrs M enjoyed Doviko's breakfast of scrambled eggs (our own eggs - the hens have started to lay again). Checked The Daily Times. Read through The Daily Telegraph county cricket scores. Checked cricinfo for forthcoming games.

Walked round the house. Discussed plans for the garden with Wilson. Had a cuppa rooibos. Emptied bowels.

Made out Doviko's shopping list and discussed the forthcoming week's meal plan. Discussed Doviko's loan situation (not too bad). Confirmed Doviko's schedule for the coming two weeks and set him some further performance targets.

Walked round the garden again, and spoke to Abdul about the security incident the other night (turns out it was only the DuPre couple having an argument along the road).

Had lunch and dozed off. Woke up, paid Doviko, Wilson and Abdul their wages.

Had a quick look through Wisden to verify that Brian Close scored 52 centuries (this had been troubling me the previous evening).

With Mrs M, enjoyed Doviko's diner of chambo and chips with a slice of lemon. Let Doviko off without having to do the washing up. Poured an MGT. Lost track of time. Read a book about tea.

And so - I have discovered what I do on Saturdays when there is no cricket on the television. What I spend most of my time doing on Saturdays is spend time thinking up things for the servants to do. It's quite draining, actually. I was tired out by 9pm.

What do YOU do on Saturdays? I invite you to tell me, in comments to this post.

MM III

Why do you not compel your slaves and concubines to perform it for you?

2009-05-10T02:45:00.000-07:00

I say!

By the way, wonderful news about the Duneditin 2009 conference. And also wonderful that England trounced the Windies at Lords. We are fortunate beings!

The subject line of this post is a quotation from Abdul the Damned, Turkish potentiate, also known as Abdul Aziz, (1842-1918). He was the last Ottoman sultan, and not a very nice man. How nasty he was is shown by the fact that not only did he massacre Armenians, but he also could not understand the great game of cricket.

In fact, the complete quotation is "Remarkable! But what needless exertion! Why do you not compel your slaves and concubines to perform it for you?" and he referred to the spectacle of some English sailors who had put on a one-dayer for his entertainment. Well, he persecuted over 100,000 Armenians, and didn't enjoy cricket. Obviously, he had at least two character flaws.

I know this because my friend J.C. who I wrote about previously when he proved to everyones satisfaction that cricket was a major sport enjoyed by the Ancient Romans, recently sent me a copy of "Carr's Dictionary of extra-ordinary English Cricketers". This is a very exciting booklet.

The front cover, depicting W.G. Grace, whets the appetite for what is inside. It's full of interesting facts and stories about some of the great men who have played the great game. For example:

S.F. Barnes, b Smethwick, 1873, an erect and uncompromising hostile fast-medium bowler who, using variations of his inswinger which straightened on pitching [always a deadly combination], took 189 Test Match wickets at an average of 16.43. Some observers reckoned that S.F. Barnes was the greatest bowler of all-time.

Here's another:

Colin Blythe, Kent, b. 1879, a subtle left-arm spin bowler, who, in 15 seasons, took 2506 wickets averaging 16. He was killed on the Western Front in 1917.

Ah - so many promising cricketers came to their end on the Western Front.

Arthur Courcey, Epsom, a stock-broker, a spectator of the 1882 Oval Test, which England lost by 17 runs. Whilst enduring 13 successive maiden overs he gnawed off the handle of his brother-in-law's umbrella. [I say! Well, we've all knawed at different things during crucial moments in Test Matches].

In the same match, another spectator died of a heart attack, so exciting was the action.

Here's an entry that appeals to me:

The Revd. Elisha Fawcett, c. 1817, a Manchester evangelical who devoted his life to teaching the natives of the Admiralty Islands the Commandments of God and the Laws of Cricket. Too poor to purchase a monument to this good man, his parishioners erected his wooden leg upon his grave. In that fertile clime it miraculously took root and for many years provided a bountiful harvest of bats.

Well I say! What more could anyone need in such climes apart from a knowledge of the Commandments, and the Laws of Cricket?

Here is a rather different entry:

Hesketh K. Nayler, c. 1851, a New York millionaire impotent who derived sexual gratification by maintaining an establishment of ample women to play cricket before him with balloons and without clothes.

We, I say! Everyone to their own.

Here's an entry with a superb name: Ranjitsinhji, Maharajah Jam Sahib of Nawanagar. And below is a picture of that elegant cutter. He played for Sussex, as did the Nawab of Pataudi.

MM III

Obstruction de jambe

2009-04-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

I say!

Exciting news over at Duneditin 2009.

Well I never. I've just heard that I've been retained to be the official Chief Pitch Adviser at the France v England cricket match, to be played at the Lille Metropole stadium in the summer of 2012.

Regular followers of the great game will remember that it has been some time since France played England - in fact, the last game happened in 1900 (England were the winners by 158 runs), when cricket was an Olympic sport (and let us all hope that it will some day return to the Olympics). Prior to that, there were a few games played in France, but in 1789 an important scheduled match between the MCC and a Louis XVI XI was delayed, not due to rain, but due to revolution. I say - the sans culottes could have planned things a bit better, don't you think?

The current France team is lead by that well-known frenchman Waseem Bhatti, whose vice-captain is Arun Ayyavooraju. With a name like that, obviously a Parisian.

I'm sure that it won't be long before the sound of leather on willow will be heard all over France.

In some quarters, so I understand, it is claimed that Frenchie invented the great game. And that the very name cricket originated from the word criquet, which means stile or wooden gate. Sacre bleu! That cannot be correct. Have I not already shown that cricket was popular amongst the Ancient Romans, and almost certainly even a long time before that, when it was popular amongst the neolithic Orkadians? A theory I hope to prove sometime in the not too distant future is that the game was played on a regular basis by the Ancient Egyptians, and that the pyramids are, in fact, part of a fielding plan (showing the slips), which the Egyptians built in order to be viewed from space by passing Martians, in the hope that they had brought their bats with them.

Also, JC recently sent me evidence from Palymra showing how popular the game was there in ancient times. I will post this shortly.

But I digress. I am very much looking forwards to advising on what I promise will be a sporting wicket for the Lille game.

MM III

Quick ones

2009-04-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

I say!

Whilst we're waiting for some exciting breaking news about Duneditin 2009, four quick quiz questions for you. Answers in a Comment, please. A big prize is at stake!

1. Who released "Um Um Um Um Um Um" ?

2. Who released "Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Um" ?

2. I took the snap below about a year ago when I was in London. Can you put a name to the statue?

4. Who wrote "If there is another world, he lives in bliss. If there is none, he made the best of this."

MM III

Duneditin 2009 and other wonderful news

2009-04-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I say!

The cricket season has at last started in dear old Blighty.

Other events of interest include the formal announcement of the Duneditin 2009 call for papers.

How wonderful!

MM III

Spud's brother Jimbo, and latest on mystery man Carslemane

2009-04-08T02:50:00.000-07:00

I say!

Brian Wilson sent me the following snap. It's one of Spud's brother Jimbo. Regular readers of this blog may remember that I met up with him last year, when I visited Dear Old Blighty to attend Duneditin 2008.

Jimbo pitched up on Brian's doorstep once again, a couple of weeks ago. My goodness - he gets around. In the snap above he looks rather shell-shocked and perplexed, but that was probably after Brian had played him three hours non-stop vary rare Beach Boys music.

Anyway, Brian emailed me to say that Jimbo told him he had a theory about Carslemane. His theory is this:

To recap - Jimbo's friends Caro and Jacko had last left Carslemane, at his request, by the roadside in the outback, and in their own words, he was "Going strong towards the Top End".

Jimbo's theory is that shortly afterwards, Carslemane was mugged and drugged, and essentially left for dead, in a hole in the outback. After about 70 days of living off little more than frogs and cockroaches, and having lost a great deal of weight, someone called Ricky Megee eventually found him at an almost dried up waterhole/dam, somewhere near Wallamunga Tank.

Here's the interesting thing - Megee then wrote a book about the whole story, which has since been published under the title "Left for dead in the Outback", but in the book he substituted himself for Carslemane, in order to protect the innocent.

Here's a photo taken from that book:

My goodness - it's a bit hard to tell with all that weight loss, but I could swear that that is Carslemane!

Interesting theory, especially as there was a lot of talk about a 'mystery man' being found in the desert (you'll have to scroll down that page a bit to read the correct item), and mystery man is certainly an apt description of Carslemane.

MM III

Tweeting the match

2009-04-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

I say!

Under a completely false name and persona (in order to protect the innocent and for hush-hush security reasons), I tweeted last night's match from St Lucia (West Indies v England in a one-dayer).

The following show the tweets, which, for anyone not conversant with either Twitter or cricket, will be completely and utterly incomprehensible, and will also appear as a very peculiar use of words. However, those who tweet and follow the great game will recognise it as an entirely accurate and totally comprehensible commentary.

# St Lucia. They should give Freddy Flintoff a fine leg, and Harmy a short leg. Then hope for some late or reverse swing. about 11 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Bring mid off up, send mid on back, put in a slip, have a sweeper, hit the deck hard and send down a couple of short ones. about 11 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Four balls, four singles, fifth ball six, sixth ball four. Ninety six for four. Ten to go. Seventy seven needed, or six wickets. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Appeal! Looked close. Maybe slipping down leg. Would have clipped bail. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Required rate 9.0 off 7. Final power play. Time for some full deliveries and yorkers from Anderson. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Ball finally swinging. Freddy looking for reverse. Bravo cleared the field, which was set deep. It went all the way. Vital over. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Five saving one. Six from the first three. Sweeper is up. Last ball 89 miles an hour. Slower ball went in the air and he's gone. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Bravo gone - 33 from 46. Ramdin in. Wristy player. Harmy back on. Pollard caught. Two in two! about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Last two WI danger men gone. Can Sammy see them across the line? England need four more. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. The rate is rocketing. Now 10.44 and only 25 balls to go. Looks like it will go down to the wire. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Crowd silenced. Swing and a miss. England were 134 for five at this stage. Broad got a hand on that one. Back of length. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Put away, but man in the deep. Only a single. Straight drive for one. Keeper up. Rate now 13.6 and boundaries are needed. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. These two are new to the crease. No time for sighters. Freddy rarely goes round the park at this stage. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Got him! Round his legs. Ramdin tried to get it down to fine leg, but missed it. about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. Third man finer. Full and round about leg and middle. He's got him! Given LB. 140 for 8. Freddy on a hat trick. Got it! about 10 hours ago from web

# St Lucia. They tried to pinch a single, but it was a dead ball. 28 needed from 7. Singles not good enough. He's gone! That's it! England celebrate. about 10 hours ago from web

MM III

Pictures from Australia

2009-04-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

I say!

In anticipation of the forthcoming Ashes series, I think it's time for a little light Aussie bating.

A Bondi Beach sign.

Australians fill up on this.

Common answer to maths exam question by Aussie kids.

Bondi Beach bikini

What Ricky Ponting will need this summer:

A fairly common Aussie roadsign.

The educashun level achieved by some Aussie roadsign makers has it's consequences:

Popular Aussie holiday destination:

An Aussie cricket fan, excited to be on his way to the match.

Where Ricky Ponting's men may end up:

How Aussie cricketers create a romantic atmosphere.

MM III

Watch what you use for toilet paper

2009-03-21T15:35:00.001-07:00

I say!

Nowadays it costs several billion Zimbabwe dollars to buy a roll of toilet paper in Harare. That's assuming there is any in the shops. No wonder they have to put up signs like this in the loos:

MM III

Oolongs, soochongs and pekoes

2009-03-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

I say!

An 'A' list blogger from Île Plate, New Caledonia, Rob by name, and Rob by nature, has been having problems with his addiction to tea. Possibly because he's been watching too many Ruttles DVDs - I don't really know. Another blogger, this time a 'D' list name of Hotboy, manages to go for three days each week without a cuppa. Then he's back on it again for the following four days.

What a coincidence, therefore, that the following book just arrived at Box 270 - "For all the tea in China: Espionage, empire and the secret formula for the world's favourite drink"

I say - it looks very interesting and I am looking forwards to reading it. It tells the tale of a Scotsman, Robert Fortune, who set out to capture the secret of tea from the Chinese. Why didn't he just look up Wikipedia, I hear you ask - well, he lived in the middle of the 19th century, before they had the Internet. Some, but not all, of the readers of this blog can remember those pre-Internet times. In this espionage, he was engaged by the Eat India Company, by the way.

Well, I say, along time ago I was fortunate enough to be tutored by Dr. J.N.M. Maclean of Glensanda, the author of another book about the East India Company, so this is another reason I'm looking forwards to reading the work.

A book I've just completed, during a break from the cricket, is "Dead Aid: Why aid is not working and how there is another way for Africa" by Dambisa Moyo (a Zambian). A particularly interesting read, this one. Over one trillion dollars has been poured into Africa in the recent past. Where has it all gone, and why has this aid not effected a turnaround in the fortunes of this wonderful continent?

Moyo looks at various reasons - but comes to the conclusion that it is precisely because of this aid that Africa has not developed more than it has.

Foreign aid has been given in order, in turn, to leverage support for the West and the Eastern Bloc during the Cold War, in an attempt to foster democracy, and in order to help the poor. It hasn't worked. Instead, aid has resulted in corruption, African countries falling into debt and having to pay interest, and much more besides. Moyo writes "Aid has been, and continues to be, an unmitigated political, economic, and humanitarian disaster for most parts of the developing world".

It is no surprise that one success story - Botswana - has received very little aid. The Batswana have simply got on with things themselves, and have done super work.

Aid has often prevented the growth of democracy. Why? Because even elected governments don't need to worry too much about their local electorate if most of their income comes in the form of aid rather than taxation. Aid has also had the effect of sapping the development of local industry.

Aid, in the form of the Marshall Plan, was successful in post-war Europe, because there was already there the basis of an infrastructure. The same has not been the case in Africa.

Aid has had a dreadful effect on many countries over the years. For all the billions - yes billions - poured into Zaire (now the Democratic Republic of teh Congo), and also despite the incredible mineral wealth of that part of the world, that country has seen its economy destroyed.

I disagree with some of Moyo's proposed solutions, however. Cut aid, by all means, except in certain very well-managed circumstances. But the real difference would be made, as I have said in this blog in the past, if countries outside Africa, and especially the USA, withdrew their subsidies for agricultural and other products. These subsidies make it not a level playing field when it comes to sales of goods, and we all know what happens when there isn't a level playing field - the ball can go down legside.

MM III

Room at the Royal York

2009-03-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

I say!

Terrible news, this time about Susan Tsvangirai. One wonders what the third disaster in a row will be. Very sobering. I have left off having an MGT in respect.

I forgot to show the snaps of my room at the Royal York Hotel at the recent Emergency Pitch Inspectors Meeting.

Lovely bathroom, shown below.

Here's the hotel from the outside.

MM III

Terrible events in Lahore

2009-03-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

I say!

What awful news there was from Pakistan earlier this week, where the Sri Lanka cricket team was attacked by gunmen. One really cannot understand why people do such things. Cricket is a wonderful game, and politics should play no part in it. There are various unanswered questions about the attack.

MM III

A hoax!

2009-03-01T01:49:00.000-08:00

I say!

I've just discovered that the message from Brian Wilson in the last post was, as Rob suspected, nothing but a cunning hoax. Got me, hook, line and sinker, so it did. Comes from living here in Kalimbuka, so far away from most things. I was taken in largely because I remember that, not so long ago, here in Malawi, women were banned from wearing trousers and men were not allowed to grow their hair long. Mrs M had to put a chitenje over her trousers when on the jinglamoto. So, it seemed to me that anything was possible. I must get my own back on Brian, somehow.

In the meantime, here's a lovely cricket poem, by Arnold Matthew.

"So I have heard the Aussies' parting wimper
From the wet outfield, through the vext exit gates
Come with the volleying inswinger and tossed up long hop
The shine on the ball is gone and with it the Aussies also go home Downunder."

I think Matthew really captures a scene that will likely be played out this summer.

MM III

Breaking news - The Blissheids have taken over Edinburgh

2009-02-26T02:25:00.000-08:00

I say!

Disturbing news from Edinburgh. Brian Wilson sent me the snaps below, and the following report, which I repeat verbatim.

"Dear Mingers,

Things are getting very rough here in Edinburgh now that the Blissheids seem to be taking over. Firstly, they made it law that you are not allowed to smoke in bars. Then they banned cigarette machines. Then they followed Bhutan's example and banned nicotine altogether. Then they upped the legal age to buy drink to 21, and then to 30! There are plans to raise the age to 40 in a couple of months. Now, if you don't meditate for at least four hours every day you can be sent to prison, or worse! I took the attached photographs of a poor lad who was being publicly pilloried for only meditating for two hours. The crowd was nasty, and kept shouting "Flatheid! Flatheid" There was a lot of noise, and I had to make my excuses and leave quite quickly."

BW

Well, I say, whatever next?

MM III

Emergency Pitch Inspectors Meeting

2009-02-19T03:08:00.000-08:00

I say!

Given the news about the Allen Stanford scandal, I would just like to correct a couple of minor typos that I had not previously noticed in this post I wrote some time ago.

"Allen is a wonderful lad from Texas. I enjoyed a brief Wadadli in his company down at Third Man, some time back."

Should of course have read:

"Allen is a lad from Texas about whom I have serious doubts. I enjoyed a brief Wadadli in the same cricket ground that he was in along with 10,000 other spectators, some time back."

After the disaster at the Sir Vivian Richards Stadium, where, for the Second Test between the Windies and England, they prepared an outfield using far too much sand which made the surface unplayable, and resulted in the match being abandoned, an emergency pitch inspectors meeting was called earlier this week in York, which I attended at short notice. My goodness - it seems as if I spend as much time in dear old Blighty nowadays as Kalimbuka.

However it was great to be back in Yorkshire, and of course there was much serious business to get through. As a result, the drinks reception (shown below) was curtailed after only two hours and three evictions for excessive drunkenness and rowdiness (something of a record).

After all the drinking on empty stomachs, it was time for the food (shown below).

What a delightful dining room they have at the Royal York.

Anyway, as you can imagine, the meeting was very hard work.

I must report that for my own suggestion to rectify the situation in Antigua, I was awarded a small token of appreciation (shown below). That same suggestion was incorporated fully into the Recommendations which were published immediately after the meeting.

The Recommendations are quite brief, and are repeated below.

"We, the Pitch Inspectors Standing Sub-committee (Official Facilitators), advise the groundsmen at the Sir Vivian Richards Stadium, to use less sand."

I'm sure that that should help a lot, and everyone at the meeting agreed that it had been a very worthwhile exercise.

MM III

Lovely meal

2009-02-13T02:49:00.000-08:00

I say!

What a to-do they've been having in Antigua. The match was abandoned due to the state of the pitch. Well, what can I say? I did warn them about the use of too much sand when I did my pitch inspection in Antigua.

Maybe they will change the venue to The Rec, where I took the snap in this post.

Anyway, to change the subject a little, what a nice meal I had the other month, during a break from the Pitch Advisors' Convention's relentless round of receptions and wine parties.

I did my best to work through the cellar of the Rossodisera Restaurant in London, shown below, but it was rather a losing battle.

Lovely authentic Italian food. Below is the delightfully attentive waiter who served us. He cheered up somewhat after he saw the size of the tip.

This was my room at the Strand Palace Hotel during my stay.

MM III

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

2009-02-06T02:54:00.000-08:00

I say!

Rather thick in the head, this morning.

Nice to see that Henry Morton is doing well. He's the bass player in the band below.

The Aussies are always doing strange things. For example, look at this name. And also, this one. For this one, I'm afraid to ask Doviko what he thinks.

One also has to ask, given recent results, whether Australia are capable of ever winning another cricket match. I had a lot of fun with that premise, with Brandon, in the Government Hostile, the other evening. But it is a real concern that the Aussie cricket team may not be able to give England much competition in the forthcoming Ashes series, which I will be attending. Which reminds me, I must book my flight to dear old Blighty.

MM III

6812392

2009-01-31T02:48:00.000-08:00

I say!

I find it quite fascinating that Marlon Brando, the late famous movie star, owned patent number 6812392, which is a patent for a drumhead tensioning device. If you type that number into Google, or click on the link I've given, the first result is to Brando's patent. I must let Menzies IV know, as he's quite a drummer himself. Brando enjoyed the bongos, most of all, so I believe.

The nights are starting to close in, here in Kalimbuka. Of course, being so near to the equator, it doesn't make much difference - a matter of a few minutes difference between June and December, but I do enjoy opening the door in the early evening this time of year, looking around and announcing to Mrs M and Doviko that "Ah well...Looks like the nights are drawing in". Of course Doviko, who has just handed me a nice MGT, hasn't got a clue what I'm talking about in this instance.

Here's a rather interesting postcard I came across the other day in my collection. It's from the Pilanseberg National Park, and it was obviously bought some time ago. I could make a quiz question out of this by asking why it's obvious that it was taken some time ago, but instead I'll give the answer now.

Actually, on second thoughts, this will be the quiz question for this post. There's a fairly large clue in the picture which proves that the postcard was produced some time ago. Can you spot it? Here's a clue - it has something to do with something beginning with 'B'.

MM III

Whinging Aussies

2009-01-24T03:45:00.000-08:00

I say!

Well I say!

What a wonderful year 2009 will be!

Much better than 2008, when far too many people, some of whom I dearly miss, dropped off the planet.

Of course, the main event in 2009 will be the coming UK summer, when England will win back the Ashes.

Up at the Government Hostel (for some time now, known as the Hotel Masongola, but known and loved by all the regulars as 'The Hostile'), Picken said to me only the other day: "Why do the Aussies whinge so much?"

Well, I say, I couldn't agree more. Why do they whinge?

On the other hand, and whilst the Aussies can't play cricket for peanuts, they do make excellent movies. My goodness! Mrs M and myself so much enjoyed watching Clubland last night. What an excellent movie, I recommend it. The DVD arrived unannounced, and with no posting address, in our Zomba Box. However, it was posted from Australia, I can tell from the stamp, and, do you know what, I think that Spud's Mum sent it to us. And do you know why I think that? I think that she sent it because I have an inkling that Carslemane acted as an extra in it.

If you look very closely, at the scene where the corpse is removed from the neighbour's house, I'm almost certain that Carslemane plays one of the ambulence attendants.

Well, I ask you? How significant is that?

As far as I know, Carslemane is still lost in space somewhere - last heard of as reported by Caro and Jacko in this post, as 'Going strong for the Top End'. But perhaps not! Perhaps he turned right after the truck hit him, at Camooweal.

Now, there's a funny thing about Camooweal, which I do not understand at all. I was looking at the Google map of it the other day, and Doviko, as he tends to do, was at my shoulder, with my next MGT in his hand. All of a sudden, he said, "Sir, one should not look at a lady's private parts like that." And then he walked off. I still don't know what he means.

The Clubland movie was filmed in Sydney, according to the credits. If only I could persuade the Pitch Advisors' Committee to meet next time in Sidders, instead of Sri Lanka, I might be able to investigate further.

MM III

Cards

2009-01-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

I say!

The Aussies were beaten at cricket (by South Africa) yet again today.

Anyway, I was throwing out some Christmas cards this morning when the one below caught my attention. It's from our security firm, and it shows quite a story.

A bird has nested in the chimney, making it impossible for Santy to enter the house that way, so instead he's tried to come through a window, but this, of course, has set off the security alarm, and the beefy boys in black have arrived to save the day. I hope Santa knows the security password!

MM III

Dogs

2009-01-09T02:04:00.000-08:00

I say!

I've been trying very hard to explain the concept behind this website about a Dog care centre to Abdul (the nightwatchman), but something is definitely being lost in translation. You have to remember that Abdul is familiar with Casper and Farley, our two guard dogs, and has undoubtedly come across many dogs in his village. The purpose of dogs, as far as Abdul is concerned, is to guard against the criminals. That is their only function.

So, I showed him the Dog Day Care Centre website to see what he thought about how dogs are treated in Scotland. He could not understand it at all.

"Sir" he said "This is a place where dogs go to feel at home?"

"More or less" I replied. "People can send their dogs to this centre if they themselves are not at home, and do not want their dogs to get lonely"

"Sir - they let the dogs in the house?"

"Yes, Abdul. In Scotland they do that."

"And they let them go on the chairs without beating them?"

"Yes. It appears that the chairs and sofas at this day centre are there just for the dogs"

"And they let the dogs go in the swimming pool?"

"So it would appear, Abdul, but I suspect that the picture is of a swimming pool only for dogs"

"Sir - a swimming pool only for dogs! I do not believe any of this."

Doviko interjected at this point to suggest that the website was probably a scam, but the concept of a scam website took a lot of explaining to Abdul, in several languages including Chichewa and Yau.

At least, Rob makes his dog swim in the sea.

Now then, Abdul can fully understand allowing a hippo in the house (see below), but a dog? That video that reminds me of a hippo up at Chobe. That one also only understood Afrikaans.

MM III

Most disgraceful moment in history

2009-01-04T01:13:00.000-08:00

I say!

Well, we are all looking forward to the Ashes cricket series next year. And wonderful news - my ticket for the Saturday's play at the Edgbaston Test in August has been secured! What a fortunate being I am. I had intended to take Hotters with me, but unfortunately the tickets are like gold dust - only available to bone fide pitch advisers. Also, it is to be wondered what he would actually learn at Edgbaston with his eyes closed all the time.

One has to start thinking that, given recent results, will Australia ever win another Test Match?

What can we learn from history? Well, there is the incident recorded below, which the great and wonderful Richie Benaud described as the most disgraceful moment in the history of the game. Here it is again, for your disapproval. I rather think that the Aussies have matured a bit since that day, fortunately.

MM III

The Answer

2008-12-29T04:14:00.001-08:00

I say!

Some of you have been having problems identifying the answers to recent questions on this blog, so instead, here's a quickie with a difference for you. This time, here's the answer:

Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga.

Now - what is the question?

MM III

Where was I eating?

2008-12-20T02:36:00.000-08:00

I say!

I recently attended another Pitch Advisor's event, in London. It was the usual relentless round of drinks parties, champagne receptions and such like, as can be seen below. Talk was mostly about the financial downturn, and why the Committee should work towards helping Developing Countries by holding the next event in a location such as Brazil or the Seychelles.

Below is the room I stayed in at the Kensington Close Hotel.

Now for the quiz question for this post. What nationality was the restaurant in which I enjoyed the meal shown below?

MM III

Mad Bob, and where in the world is this?

2008-12-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

I say!

I was speaking to Wilson the other day. I like to talk to the servants one-to-one every now and then - helps keep up morale and such like - and I say, I find him quite an intelligent chap. I'll say more about that in a future post, but during our conversation the other day we were discussing his background. I wrote previously about where he got the name O'Brian, and it turns out that he is also a quarter Badibanga.

I had to search my memory, but I remembered that the Badibanga originate from The Congo. In fact, the Badibanga reside near Kananga in Katanga Province. If you don't believe me, check out this population map of the Democratic Republic of Congo, and search within it for Badibanga. Well, I say, we had some fun thinking up rhyming songs for Wilson after that one.

But that is rather beside the point. Katanga is in a big mess at the present time, and I asked Wilson what he could remember of Katanga, but he never lived there. It was his grandfather on his mother's side who came from that province. In the 1950s, Katanga was a wonderful place if you were white - the roads were good, the railway worked, steamers called in at the ports such as Albertville - and it was peaceful.

Now, there is very, very little of what we would call civilisation there. It is a completely lawless land. The roads have deteriorated into poor tracks. There is no electricity. There is continued fighting, in which many thousands of people have died, though few report on the fighting. There are no boats, and very little industry.

This got me thinking that although Mad Bob (Mugabe) has destroyed what was once the beautiful and prosperous country of Zimbabwe, there is still much further that Zimbabwe can fall.

A sad thought.

This got me feeling a bit of the perlerorneq, as the Eskimos would say.

But to cheer me up, I hope anyone reading this will have a go at my new quiz question.

So...

I took the above snap on a fairly recent hush hush trip. Can you name the location?

MM III

I'm in the jungle, I'm a celebrity, so where should I go?

2008-12-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I say!

Mrs M and myself have been very much enjoying the recent I'm a celebrity, get me out of here television programme, broadcast on ITV towards the late afternoon, here in Kalimbuka, which (ITV) we tend to prefer less than the good old BBC, but there you are. Everyone to their own choice.

It has been costing me a small fortune, but I have been regularly voting, by phone, for Gorgeous George Hosato Takei Altman (aka Sulu (shown above)), to some extent because I mistakenly thought that his character in Star Trek was called Zulu, but there you are. However, he's a wonderful character.

Well, I must say, George came third. A bit of a disappointment. But what a wonderful character he has shown himself to be.

There may be a little truth in the rumour that I have been approached to take part in next year's show. As I'm quite used to jungles, it would be little skin off my back to participate.

MM III

That meal

2008-12-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

I say!

Here are a couple more snaps from that historic meal I mentioned in my last post. For the answer to the quiz in the last post, see the Comments in my last post.

Above is shown the main course.

The blankets are there in case it gets a bit chilly.

It's a rather expensive restaurant, but I was able to claim everything on expenses. One must eat, after all.

MM III

What's wrong here?

2008-11-28T10:15:00.000-08:00

I say!

Terrible news from Mumbai. And to think that I might have been with the England touring party if I'd accepted the post of England Manager some time back. Of course, it wasn't a formal offer of the post, more a case of Simpson asking me, up at the bar one night, whether I'd like to be Manager, but I'm sure that had I answered in the affirmative, word would have got out and who knows what offers might have resulted?

Can you spot the deliberate error in the snap below of a meal I enjoyed on the banks of the Vltava River?

MM III

More shock photos from Duneditin 2008

2008-11-22T05:24:00.000-08:00

I say!

Just come to light are the following photos taken at the Duneditin 2008 A-List bloggers convetion, which took place earlier this year.

Rob McJ takes a bow after his masterful presentation on Ralwin's third postulate. This snap was taken before his leg caved in after being run down by a rogue Swagman motorhome in downtown Nouméa, possibly driven by Carslemane, or less possibly he's searching for a marble with his left hand.

The 'A' List bloggers relax after the removal of Brian Wilson by conference security. To confuse issues, I happen to be wearing a Brian Wilson T-shirt. Hotboy (centre) has, since this snap was taken, gone into reteat. Notice that onlyRob McJ is aware of the camera.

MM III

Brian Close encounters

2008-11-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

I say!

I was studying 'Iron Man' Brian Close's statistics the other afternoon, as one does when one has a spare moment, and my goodness, they were very interesting. He had the second longest Test career of any cricketer - 26 years and 355 days to be precise, though of course he only played 22 Tests.

He took more wickets (74) against Nottinghamshire, than any other county. He had 17 century partnerships with Doug Padgett. In First Class cricket, he scored a total of 34,994 runs. He 'walked' in his last innings, even though he had not been given out. Otherwise his total would almost certainly have been 35,000.

In 1975, his batting and fielding stats were:

22 38 6 1284 138 40.13 1 8 14

I think that the above encapsulates the man!

His last day in first-class cricket was Sept 2nd 1986.

The hardest cricketer of all time ever. He stood up to Lindwall, Wes Hall and Michael 'Whispering Death' Holding. He showed no pain! When the England selectors were in need...they called on Brian Close, and he never let them down.

Above are some of the injuries he sustained against Wes Hall and Charlie Griffith's bowling. He went through worse against Michael 'Whispering Death' Holding.

One can see him in the second movie here. Of course, and quite naturally, he is my cricketing hero.

MM III

Latest from Carslemane

2008-11-08T03:31:00.000-08:00

I say!

To begin with, here's a little quiz. I tried this one on Doviko, and his answer was "Wilson has a smoko" which is not correct. The question to be answered is: What happens exactly every hour 5 minutes and 27.27 seconds approximately? Answers in a comment, please.

A thin package arrived in the post the other day. No indication of who sent it, except that it has an Australian stamp on it, and given its content, I presume it is from Carslemane.

MM III

A stiff gin for every wicket

2008-11-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I say!

It's half time in Antigua. Very unfortunately, I instructesd Doviko to serve me up a stiff gin in the unlikely circomstance that England lost a wicket.

England lost ten wickets for 99.

But, it's not over yet. Once Harmy gets amongst them...

To be continued.

MM III

News of Carslemane

2008-10-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

I say!

Well, the answer to the quiz in the last post was sweat and sour Beira prawns. Nice they were too, though of course they don't really eat such dishes in China.

Wonderful news. Whilst I was in dear old Blighty recently to attend the Duneditin 2008 blogging conference, I also met up with three Aussie friends in the oldest public house in Edinburgh (Quiz question - where was I? (see snap below for hint)). What excellent company they were, too.

From left to right: Jimbo, Caro and Jacko.

Well, after long discussions about old times, talk eventually turned to the whereabouts of Carslemane, who they all knew from their days in Fitzroy, Melbourne, when Carslemane was based there, working in an amusement park as The Demon Drinker from Downunder. And Caro and Jacko had news!

According to them, some time before they left on their travels to the northern hemisphere, they'd been crossing the outback in their Swagman motorhome, and had actually bumped into Carslemane. Carslemane was walking along a track about 1,000 kilometres east of Waly Waters, and they reported he looked OK, though a little hot, worn and tired. He also sported a scar on his face caused by a disagreement with a 'roo in a bar.

Caro and Jacko were only too delighted to top up Carslemane's supplies, including a slab of XXXX but Carslemane refused further help, apparently saying that "He had to do, what he had to do" and couldn't, therefore, take up their offer of a lift, even to the nearest pub. They left him, at his request, by the roadside, and as they pulled away, they saw in their rear mirror that he was, in their own words "Going strong towards the Top End".

Well I say, isn't that wonderful news? To think that, at this very moment, Carslemane is still probably somewhere in the outback, and still going strong.

MM III

Name this dish

2008-10-19T02:21:00.000-07:00

I say!

No-one bothered to enter the quiz in my last post - at what temperature will a thermometer read exactly the same figure for both Celsius and Fahrenheit? Well, the answer is -40 degrees.

Anyway, here's another question. Mrs M and myself had a meal in the Hong Kong Restaurant - close by the Mount Soche Hotel.

Can anyone guess what my dish (shown above) was? Quite nice taste.

Well, as you may know, I've been trying to take my mind off cricket for a couple of weeks. The series between Australia and India is underway, and hasn't it been enjoyable watching India get the upper hand over their opponents. And to think - it's only one more week to go before the start of the Twenty20 series in Antigua, where each player in the winning side will earn $1,000,000. Can't wait.

In the meantime, I've been trying to find some non-cricket books to read, and hasn't it been difficult? I read Terra Incognita, by Sara Wheeler, about life at the South Pole, where it seems that the main topic of conversation turns out to be cricket. I even considered reading Bayonets to Lhasa, by Peter Fleming, about the 1904 British invasion of Tibet, but I expect that the Tommies would have spent their spare time clearing a pitch for the great game, even halfway up the Himalaya.

What a writer Sara is. None of this "It was on the occasion of my fortieth birthday" middle-aged angst for her. Here she is writing about nicotine withdrawal "Smoking is the leitmotif of polar expeditions. Shakleton understood the hardship of tobacco famine, and when he arrived at Elephant Island to rescue his men he threw bags of it ashore before he landed. The stranded men had been smoking penguin feathers, and one of them, the proud posessor of two pipes, had tried to smoke the wood on one in the bowl of another."

Here she is again describing her return to dear old Blighty. "I arrived back in London at the beginning of April. All the plants on my roof terrace were dead, but the spring sun was shining weakly through the tame northern clouds. As I began to pick up the threads of my life, the Frank Hurley quotation I had stuck on the kitchen wall loomed increasingly large in my imagination. 'After life in the vastness of a vacant continent,' it said 'civilisation seemed disappointlingly narrow, cramped, superficial and empty.' I say, it sounds like what Hotboy must feel like each time he emerges from his hit after a marathon meditation session.

Anyway, I have given up tryingto avoid cricket. My next book to read will be Dickie Bird's White cap and balls, about his life as a cricket umpire. Dickie wqas a batsman's friend. He didn't like giving batsmen out, and went though not a little anguish every time he had to raise his finger. The reason is obvious - he wanted the great game to continue forever, and each batsman given out only hastened the inevitable lifting of the bails.

MM III

The South Pole, and other poles

2008-10-11T09:44:00.001-07:00

I say!

Bit of a gyppy tum earlier this week, so decided to supervise a bit of kitchen hygiene. Got Doviko to spread some boric acid behind the kitchen units - seems to have done the trick already, as there are far less cockroaches.

Only a matter of days to go until the big $20million Twenty20 cricket matches in Antigua. How exciting, but if you have visited this blog recently you'll know that I have been trying to take my mind off cricket for a few days until the series begins, at the Stanford Ground.

For example, I read a book about The Bogd Khan, the eighth Jebtsundamba Khutugtu, who lived in Mongolia in the early twentieth century, in the knowledge that he was unlikely to have either batted or bowled for Mongolia, being blind, overweight and a drunkard, and also knowing that cricket was not a particularly popular sport in that part of the world around that time, due to the complete absence of willow trees from which to make bats, and the national pass-time being horseriding and wrestling.

But then I was at a bit of a loss for something else to read, which would not feature the great game. I considered reading one of Hotboy's novels, but decided that his misplaced showpieces of sesquipedalian vocabulary might be a mite heavy on the literary palette.

So, I decided to read a book about the South Pole. I mean - cricket is rarely played at the South Pole for obvious reasons, the main one being that grass won't grow there, so it's impossible to prepare a decent wicket. Though sitescreens would not be a problem, I imagine.

The book I chose was 'Terra Incognita' by Sara Wheeler, and a wonderful read it is too - I can thoroughly recommend it to you. Sara reaches a state of extreme bliss due to her minimalist surroundings, and the lady can certainly write.

I was enjoying the prospect of a good read without so much as a reference to cricket when, would you believe it, on page 14, I quote "...in our thermals and ate eggs and hash browns while a biochemistry graduate from North Dakota who had recently learned the rules of cricket discoursed upon them at length. It took the rest of the table some time to grasp the basic principles involved. I dealt confidently with all appeals to me as custodian of this British secret; it didn't matter that I too had never understood the rules. Those elysian Sunday afternoons on the edge of sunlit village pitches never seemed to have anything to do with cricket."

Well, I say! Even at the South Pole, they may not play the great game much, but they still talk about it - even amongst chaps from North Dakota. And there's more! On page 175, "...he records that when the ship arrived news from the outside world was conveyed to them in the following order. One: Australia had lost the Test. Two: the Titanic had sunk. Three: the Balkan War had been waged. Four: Scott was spending another year on the ice." Well I say! Good to know that in the old days they had their priorities in the right order.

Here is a quiz question for you - at what temperature will a thermometer read exactly the same figure for both Celsius and Fahrenheit?

Above: MM III at the South Pole

Above: Mrs M at the North Pole

Above: Mrs M heading towards the West Pole

Above: Mrs M on top of the East Pole.

MM III

The Bogd Khan

2008-10-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I say!

Some Kalimbuka news first of all. I have had to place Kha'bahje on 'gardening leave' - ironic in itself, as he is our gardener in the first place - however, I didn't want to actually dismiss him after so many years of loyal service, so instead have placed him on semi-long-term leave, and sent him back to his village, near Mangochi. I don't want to go into too much detail about the reasons, but suffice to say that it involved a young girl (well, it's hard to tell how young, actually, and I certainly didn't want to look too closely), and a latin term. Anyway, we can't have that sort of thing around here.

Fortunately, I have already found a replacement, and he's a very sturdy chap indeed. Name's Wilson - apparently named after Harold Wilson (Baron Wilson of Rievaulx), once PM of dear old Blighty. Well, I didn't hold that against him. It also turns out that his second name is O'Brien, which I thought rather peculiar in the circumstances, as I don't believe O'Brien is a Lao or Lomwe surname. I did check with him that it wasn't a case of having misheard him, as with Kha'bahje / Cabbage, and that his name in fact was N'bryen, or similar, but he assured me that it was O'Brien, and he even got Doviko to write it out for me. Apparently, there was some sort of liason in his family history with one (or more) of the Fathers at a mission up north in central Malawi. He wouldn't reveal more, for obvious reasons.

Anyway, back to the subject of this post, the Bogd Khan.

It being the end of the cricket season in dear old Blighty, and there not being too much other cricket activity elsewhere in the world at this time of the year, as we wait for the big $20million Stanford match in Antigua, I thought I'd take the opportunity to get up to date with the backlog of cricket books.

However, I decided that - no! I would not read a book about cricket. Neither would I read a book about Africa. I decided that - for the first time in twenty years - I would read a book about something else.

I was getting into a slight rut, you see, and therefore decided to read something completely different - a book about Mongolia.

Mongolia is one of the very few places on earth where there is, historically, little or no cricket activity. There are some sound reasons for this. Firstly, most of Mongolia is very, very flat, and, undoubtedly, choosing a pitch in such circumstances would be difficult. I mean, one could well imagine the discussions - "Let's put the pitch there." "Why there? Why not over here - it's just as flat." And so on, ad infinitum.

Secondly, as you can see from this report, there are traditionally no willow trees in the Gobi, and therefore nothing from which to make cricket bats.

Thirdly, sitescreens are few and far between in Mongolia. Fourthly, there are few Yorkshire pit miners in Mongolia. I could go on at length about this topic, but I expect that by now you get the gist.

So, I thought, correctly as it turns out, that by reading a book about Mongolia there would be little-to-no chance of even happening upon a reference to cricket, cricketers, pitches, Geoffrey Boycott, and suchlike, and that, for the duration of the read, I would be completely cricketless and unlikely therefore to even think about the great game.

The book in question is about Freiherr Roman Nikolai Maximilian von Ungern-Sternberg, (an extremely distant ancestor of Albert McClochendichter on the female side of the family), better known as Baron Ungern-Sternberg, the 'Bloody White Baron'. He was called the Bloody White Baron not because of his skin colour, but because he was a White Russian (of German extract - hence the connection with McClochendichter's Germanic ancestors). The book was written by James Palmer, and here is a review (random quote "Ungern didn't start out mad").

The Bloody White Baron came to a sticky end. After some years of rampage, and generally not playing with a straight bat (metaphorically speaking - as there were no matches ongoing at the time in that part of the world) in Mongolia, he was led outside and shot. One of Ungern-Sternberg's claims to fame was that he befriended Ja Lama, who, according to the Wikipedia, was an adventurer of unknown birth, though I have it on good authority, and as is also obvious from his name, this chap Ja hailed from the Windies, and could spin a ball square.

I would point out that, since that time, in the early twentieth century, cricket in Mongolia has made an appearance, but I diverge! Back to the Bogd Khan.

According to Palmer, the Bogd Khan, previously knows as Javzandamba VIII (no relation whatsoever to Denagamage Proboth Mahela de Silva Jayawardene), was the Holy Emperor in that part of the world, at that time. Possibly a descendant of Ghengis Khan, hence the name, the Bogd Khan was blind, extremely fat (so fat he could not bend down), a womaniser, a drunkard, possibly a cannibal, a manifestation of the bodhisattvas, and a reincarnated lama of the khutukhu lineage, and therefore a blissheid. Mongolian Buddhism at that time was fairly flexible, it must be said.

Not only that, but the Bogd Khan died of natural causes.

Well, I say! Isn't it amazing what one can learn when one turns away from cricket for an hour or two!

Only a couple of weeks to go until the Stanford 20/20. I think I may well read yet another non-cricket book before that time.

MM III

Queueing at the bank

2008-09-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

I say!

This was my view whilst queueing outside the Standard Bank the other day:

MM III

This one's for Brian

2008-09-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

I say!

I caught a taxi in London back in July, and I asked the driver if he'd had any other famous people in the back of his cab. He said "Yes - for example, I gave a lift to Brian Wilson the other day". Well, I nearly fell off my seat. It turned out that it was the real Brian Wilson, and not the Brian Wilson I know from Portobello.

Not only that, but the taxi driver said he'd recorded the whole thing. Hard to believe, but see below. I think you may need to click on the arrow to get it going:

Which rather brings to mind what I witnessed at Duneditin 2008 back in July, when Brian Wilson (Porty) attempted to interrupt the Ralwin Postulate session, and was brought down by Mr Albert McClochendichter, who I thought rather used excessive restraining force.

I have since heard, on good authority, that Brian Wilson (Porty)'s shouts of "Been too long", which started the whole business, referred to this song, and was not, as McClochendichter and the other delegates obviously thought, a criticism of the length of the session.

MM III

Feats don't fail me now

2008-09-12T05:47:00.000-07:00

I say!

How fortunate I was, on our recent trip to dear old Blighty, to not only attend the Duneditin Conference, but also see Little Feat play live. Little Feat are a legendary band that I've followed for many years. Their blend of funky music is very much appreciated here in Kalimbuka. They are one of Doviko's favourite non-African bands.

Below is what they looked like many moons ago.

And I took the following snap at their concert in Edinburgh.

MM III

How to win any argument

2008-09-03T03:32:00.000-07:00

I say!

I was reading in the newspapers recently about Brian London. Brian London used to box. He still gets up at 6.30am every morning, and still trains, and is still the same weight as he was when he boxed, but he hasn't boxed for a long time. He once boxed against Muhammad Ali in 1966. Ali hit him in round three, and Brian London lay down for a long time. You can watch that on YouTube.

Brian London was a brave fighter, but he usd to cut easily. He was cut badly by Dick Richardson, during the European Heabyweight Championship, (a headbutt).

Watching Muhammad Ali hit Brian London in 1966 made me remember a conversation I had with Mr Albert McClochendichter, possibly the most responsible of the delegates at the Duneditin bloggers conference, about how to win any argument. Now, I don't mean any physical argument. I mean any verbal argument, or any written exchange which turns into an argument.

The secret is, metaphorically speaking, to jab, jab, then uppercut and hook. In other words, after the argument has started - jab, jab - by introducing in quick succession two very sharp and relevant points, with hardly any pause. As in boxing, this will throw the other person off their guard for the moment.

The next step is to then - uppercut - introduce a thrusting and well-directed statement which is very difficult for the other person to argue against or parry. This 'uppercut' statement will likely be your best assertion with respect to the argument, and one which you feel is almost impossible to argue against. This will very much unsettle the other person and rattle their brains, just like a well-directed uppercut does the same in boxing.

Finally - the hook - for example, and without too much pause and before the other person has had a chance to recover from your 'uppercut', introduce some irrefutable evidence which completely backs up the rest of your argument so far.

If you follow this advice, you will almost certainly win any argument. Your opponent will be left flustered, dazed and confused, just like Brian London was on that fateful night in 1966.

In a future post, I'll explain how I used this technique in the bar at the Masongola the other night to win an argument with Brandon Fitzgerald, over who will win the Ashes next summer.

MM III

Why no-one listens to Rob McJ

2008-08-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

I say!

Looking at the Duneditin snaps reminded me of a conversation I had with Rob McJ, one of the other invited ‘A’ List bloggers. The conversation took place in the interval before the start of the “Ralwin’s Third Postulate” session, and it went something like this.

RMcJ “Mingin, No one listens to me”

MM III “That’s unfortunate. Have you analysed why that should be?”

RMcJ “Yes, I…”

MM III “For example, the very first thing you must do, if you want someone to listen to you, is obviously have something to say. If you don’t have anything to say, then it all becomes rather difficult.”

RMcJ “Well, I…”

MM III “And whilst we’re on the subject, the thing that you say must be interesting. No-one will listen to you if what you say is not interesting.”

RMcJ “Yes, but…”

MM III “Possibly more important than having something interesting to say is that you need to look for the right opportunity to say it. If the person who you want to say something to is otherwise occupied, then there’s little chance that they will listen to you.”

RMcJ “Quite. But…”

MM III “Another thing you must watch out for is to never, for example, mention ‘bliss’ to Hotters. If you mention ‘bliss’ to Hotters, then he’s likely to start one of his four-hour monologues, and you’ll never get a word in edgeways.”

RMcJ “I…”

MM III “This is a very interesting conversation. I’m glad you brought it up. Another piece of advice I would offer is to always make the topic of conversation something to do with the person you’re talking to. If you do that, then you’ll almost certainly get their attention.”

RMcJ “But if…”

MM III “Whatever you do, don’t go on at length about, for example, birding, if the person you’re trying to talk to has no interest in ornithology.”

RMcJ “Exactly”

MM III “Or trainspotting.”

RMcJ “Trainspotting?”

MM III “Yes. That’s a real turn-off for most people. Not the book…the hobby”

RMcJ “How about…”

MM III “Also, don’t ever mention the Beach Boys to Brian Wilson. The result of that is almost as bad as mentioning ‘bliss’ to Hotters.”

RMcJ “What do you think…”

MM III “Ah look! The Ralwin Postulate session is starting. Listen, it’s been great hearing all your views. Maybe we can continue this discussion at the tea interval.”

MM III